Wednesday, 15 October 2014

Ballet....tears...and a new cut on my ankle

Ballet was horrible.
All she did was yell at me the whole lesson.
No one else just me.
I had t do my dance last so there was no one else in the room just me and her, the perfect chance to yell full out at me.
Yelling at me that I'm useless, terrible, horrible, worst in the class, worst grade 7 she has ever taught, not going to pass my exam, that of she could she would pull me out of my exam to save me the embarrassment but it is too late now, that for my dance she would give me a 4 or 5 out of ten after telling everyone else they would be getting 7,8,9s, commenting that even though she can tell I have been putting n weight for some reason probably because I haven't been giving it my all or practicing but that doesn't mean I can't burn it off by jumping, does she know that have a bloody ED!?! I am trying to recovery, not kill myself. I am being healthy! Or trying to, how can she even tell I have been putting on weight if I can barely tell?!? Ugghh it's like calling me fat. I feel terrible. I feel like shit. I feel fat. I feel angry with myself for not being better even though I am trying my best. I feel like the worst dancer ever. I feel like I shouldn't even do my exam, I am now terrified of failing. I feel like I can't dance.  I feel the worst in my class and whole school. Why can't I be better, I practice so much and others don't at all? I don't want to go to ballet ever again, it just feels like I am just embarrassing myself all the time. I don't want to do my exam. I don't want to fail. I am scared. I am upset. She killed me inside. Hurt me so very much. Broke me.
And you can blame her for my new cuts on my ankle.

I hate myself even more for cutting again. Why?? It s so stupid. I thought I was free from it, nope obviously not. I never want to cut ever again. Don't cut it's not worth it. It doesn't help, it makes things worse. And I should know that. I was just so upset. Ugghh it's like I have to start all over again. And I do.

And I have to go to school tomorrow and now my anxiety is worse about it than before. Thanks!! I just don't want to cry in class. And I want to get through my speaking test, that's all. But now it feels near impossible.

Ahhh i am so sorry!! This was a horrible post, sorry!! I had to get it out of me I am so so sorry!! Sorry!! Please forgive me!!
I hope your day was fantastic!! I love you!! Stay strong!! Trust me I know it's tough.
Good night :) and again sorry
Xoxox :) :)

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