Sorry guys

Sorry guys today has been a really bad post day. The mall was pretty good, I had roast pork with veges and gravy for dinner with this amazing hot chocolate cupcake for desert. Ohhh it was so good it had marshmallows through it and was filled with chocolate sauce with tonnes of pink icing!!  Yum!!
I am feeling anxious at th moment because when I got on the scales after tea (yes am getting on them very day, not meant to...) and it read 47... I know it's a good thing but it feels terrible... Oh well it is probably just water weight and will go away in the morning, well I hope so,  just wasn't expecting it

I am so glad school is over for the week and I have done al my homework so I have the weekend off! Yay! No stress for two days!! Wow yay it's only three weeks until the school holidays! Can't wait, even though I have to watch Rs soccer tournament for a week but it will still be fun I guess!

I am so tired school takes it toll on me. By the end of each week I am so dead! Haha sleep in tomorrow Saturday, and tennis starts next weekend!! Yay can wait!

I think I will be making more banana cupcakes tomorrow, they were soo good!!

Have a good night/ morning / afternoon or whatever it is where you live!! And I will do way more better posts (bad grammar) tomorrow I promise!! Love you! :) xoxo stay strong!

Wieght gain

Okay so putting on weight is a really hard thing to do. It will take time and you will look different but you won't be fat. You won't be overweight. You will just look healthy like a normal person, really who just want to be skin and bones. You will actually look better and prettier when you can't see all the bones in your arms or every rib. One thing I was terrified of was not being about to see my clavicles (bone by your neck) and my ribs, but you know I have put on 7kg and I can still see them, I still have 5kg to f but I'm not worried any more, not at all! I am liking how my new body looks, yes it is different but a good different.

Start with throwing out all your tenny tiny old clothes, they won't fit you. And they can just be triggering to see them every time you go to get dressed . But think on the bright side, you can go shopping!! Get new clothes that actually fit! And look nice on you!

When I first started putting on weight and still am I get really bloated and all the 'fat' seems to be going to my stomach and legs, but it will even out. It is just going there to cover vital organ and to prepare your body for if it falls into starvation mode again, so it goes to the most important places first, it will spread out and you probably won't see a difference when it does evenly spread, this just takes a couple of months to do. And remember that when you are at a healthy weight you will probably look thinner than when you were still putting on weight as a lot of it will just be water fat or water weight. This happens because your body is not use to getting enough food and just wants to hang onto it for as long as possible, storing it as a liquid. So it will disappear when you are eating regularly.

Something that helps is not to know how much you weigh. You will be putting on weight in recovery but you will not know how much, for all you know you might not be able to see a difference in your body therefore think you are not putting on weight when you are actually putting on X amount each week. This helped me a lot . If I couldnt tell I put on Xkg how could I tell when I put on X more?! I couldnt! Sorry I didn't explain that one very well...

Weight gain is hard to cope with and you will feel like falling back into your old habits. But when you get use to your 'new' body you will love it a lot more. It looks nicer your skin won't be all pale and seethrought ish your hair will be less greasy and have a nice shine to it, and you will have tonnes more energy. You won't miss being cold all the time and not being able to do exercise at all having to sit still and being in a wheelchair. You won't miss that, you will be to busy loving your new body :)

Fight those evil words in your head and concur them! I believe in you!

breakfast

I manged to sleep in until 9 today so that was nice. For breakfast I made fruit salad with apple, orange, banana and pineapple yum! I also decided to make crêpes as well the first one failed so i ended up with three large ones. I filled two with fruit and the other with nutella (hazelnut spread)  :)

Even managed to get a heart on one, how? I have know idea but its cool :)

 Outfit for the day 

 Haha again cannot rotate!! not too happy with my weight but it is getting back up there, defiantly will be after I go buy some lollies that I plan to do later on today :) Want to get back up to 46!!! or more..

Sooo...

So I decided not to go to school today either partially because I still feel like throwing up but I think it is just because of anxiety and because my weight is now only 42.5 kg and I feel really dizzy everytime I stand/sit up so I don't think I will do too well at school. Oh well I might go later on today and I will defiantly will be going tomorrow, that is my goal even if I feel like crap I am going to school tomorrow. I am worried that I will have to do my speech tomorrow which evolves standing in front of the class for four minutes while I talk and I am scared that I will pass out or be sick as I am soo weak at the moment and my anxiety is really bad at the moment. So yeah.... I am thinking about for the pizza lunch just saying that I am celica, which I am not I am just intolerant to gluten but eating gluten does make me feel really ill so that might be my excuse not to eat anything. As I am sure they won't buy any gf pizzas! So I think that is what I will do and just eat my normal lunch instead.

Anyway school tomorrow, school tomorrow, school tomorrow !! I will go, I will go I will go!!! I can do it, I will do it.

I am also worried that I will be really far behind on school work as I missed two days this week and will miss three days next week as I will be in Australia, yay I need a break and just leave all my anxiety and eating problems behind.... Hopefully, no I will. Positive thing!!

I still have really bad pains in my stomach but I am trying to ignore them.

Anyway have an awesome day!!!

All my good news has turned bad!

Anyway after feeling terrible last night I didn't end up going to ballet, too sick and I ended up throwing up the tiny bit of custard my parents made me eat and they were getting to the point of saying if you don't eat it we will call the ED unit at the hospital and they have done that before so I did eat it but it all came back up. So now my parents believe me that I am sick not just avoiding food and not wanting to go to school. And I was meant to do my speech today but I still feel terrible so I am at home today, so now I am getting more anxiety about doing it because instead of doing them with he rest of my class I will have to do it by myself!! Anyway I manged to drag myself out of bed and got on the scales as I really was getting anxious not knowing how much I lost and it read 42.5 but then went up to 43kg so in three days of kind of being sick I lost all my hard work of putting on 4kg over the past two months! :( ughh I am really upset now. And feel like crap. :( So now I have to work really hard to put it back on because in three weeks, my checked up with my GP she will expect me to be up to 50 as that is almost healthy weight for me ( you could be different healthy for me might be very underweight for you. Everyone is different) and now I am back to 43 so I have three weeks to put on seven kg!! Wish me luck :) oh well..

Hope everyone has a awesome day :) I can promise you it will be better than lying sick in bed feeling like throwing up again :P So stay strong and remember that love wil always be stronger than the pressure to be perfect okay :) xoxo

My day :(

Well I tried positive but it s failing, I only ate some celery and five crackers for morning tea and I didn't eat lunch because my stomach hurts so much and I feel sick and have a headache and I really just feel terrible. The only thing I have done after school for the last two hours is curl up on my bed cry and try to force myself to eat a little of my lunch. I have managed to eat a muslie bar, but that's it. If I didn't have ballet tonight I doubt I would of even ate that. F*** I feel terrible!! And now made myself cry again!! Ugh and I am so fricken nervous about tomorrow as I have to do my speaking test in front of the whole class and my speech!! I haven't practiced either as well all I have done is cry and feel really crap after school as that is when I was planning to practice and I know I have to go to ballet in a hour and honestly right now the last thing I want to do is get into a tight leotard in front of 15 people plus teacher and hav them watch me dance or dance at all!! And for the last half hour or so I have somehow been scratching my leg with my bobby pin and now I have a big bruise on my leg and what is really pissing me off is that I never self harm and I just did it without realizing ! ***** !!
And I am dreading the scales soo much, not eating in two days is sure to do something and I don't want to lose weight I really don't!! And my mum weighs me once a week that happens to be Monday's so I don't know what to do !! Help...

Sorry :) but I had to get it out, sorry.
Anyway I hope your day was heaps better than mine :) stay strong xoxo!!

Today I feel good about my body!!

I really love my body today I love how it looks nothing looks out of proportion I look thin I don't feel fat and I know that I weigh 46kg !! Its great!! Loving it! Tomorrow could be completely different so I am the most of it :) I am not scared to put on my last 4kg, I will just look more healthy. When I weighed 38-42 I was scared that I wouldn't be able to see my ribs or my spine or have a thigh gap any more but you know I have put on 8kg and I really can't see any difference except my hair is smoother and shines more I can finally grow my nails are they use to get a little long bt would be so weak they just snap and my skin looks nicer it isn't that kind of dull pale see through look to it any more and I can still see my rib and spine and I am almost at a healthy weight again!! I was scared I would look fat but you know if I can't tell 8kg I'm not going to be able to tell 4kg! And you feel better not sick and stronger too part of the reason is when you put on weight after not eating you are growing muscle as well not just putting on fat! So don't think all this weight you are putting on is going strait to your tummy or bum or thighs it honestly doesn't !! You will love it recovery is worth it I promise I still have my bad days where I want to give up but you have to make the most out of the good ones xoxo. You can do it and you will feel oh so good when you have :)

And if anyone wants to email me privately you can on teddybear3584637@gmail.com   I know cheesy but this email is only for my blog and helping you!! So don't be afraid to ask, I love helping people oh soo much!! It can be anonymous a fake name honestly I dont care!! Any questions feel more than happy to email me xoxo. I know lots of you live overseas so if I don't reply quickly sorry I probably will be asleep or just really busy haha but I will answer!! And I wont judge you for anything  I know how it feels to be judged and it is not nice. So yeah :)

Anyway good night xoxo :)

Good news

Good news when I was at the doctors and hopped on the scales it read 46.3 I was so surprised !! When I constantly weigh my self at home on two different scales they both read 45 ! So that was a shock but I guess a good one. I now only have to have those horrid fortisips twice a day (which I am already doing... They just don't know) so yay! And when my weight gets to 48 I can just have one a day then when i get to 50 none!! But if I can't keep the weight on I will have to go back on them and it will be for the whole three a day for three months...

My speech is in four days... It is currently sitting at two minutes so I have to write one more minutes worth yay... I think it is pretty good though. But as I am in the extension class it will be marked very harshly. I will write about another two minutes worth though as I tend to get nervous (understandable) and talk really fast and if it is not over three minutes we have to re-do it and I won't be doing that as well yeah. I think you can guess why.

We have two more lessons on our textile project and we well I am almost done. I redid the skirt all hand sewed at home as I didn't have a machine and I finished the second wing at school yesterday sp now all I have to do is attach the wing to the top of the singlet and put on a hand loop that won't take long at all, so yay!

Weight

Off to see my GP in an hour to chech my weight hopefully all will be good and she will be happy with me and maybe I will be able to stop drinking fortisips !!! That would be great! At the moment I have to have three day for three months fingers crossed I can cut it down to two months or less!!