Sunday, 30 November 2014

Diary entry start of 2014

I have anorexia. It is not offical, well kinda, the dietian said if I walked into the ED ward I would be diagnosed immediately which I have the choice of doing but I don't want to. I can do it on my own. I don't want help. I would have to stay for weeks and weeks and I don't want that. So instead I have to visit my GP every two weeks. Only 12 more kg to's horrible! I feel horrible and I a use to being this size, I have been since I was about 11 so and the thought of having to put on weight makes me feel gross and fat. I don't want to lose any more weight, I like my size but no more either. But I have no choice I have to put on 12 kg!! :( I feel sick all the time and get forced to eat I hate it. I also have to have these supplements called fortisip and they taste like crap all to get more calories into me which I dont like the sound of. I HATE it so much!! Ugh now I am crying again! I hate it I hate it I hate it!! And mix in my fricken stupid anxiety disorder as well, ahhhh!!! Help me. Please help. It wasn't my choice.

This was me at the start of 2014 and I was 13 at the time. I was in a horrible dark place and I don't ever want to I back. Ever. It feels weird to read back through my diary and how much worse it was then compared to where I am now, which is still not a fantastic place but a hell of a lot better than then. Thankfully I found this written about a month later...

It will be okay!! All my problems including anxiety and depression and anorexia WILL go away. I am strng enough to make them!! And trust me I will!! I just need a postive attitude and it will work out in the end! I know it will be hard but it is a step I am willing to take.

And that is true.

Friday, 28 November 2014


Hey guys, I hope you are well!
I just finished my tennis for this morning which I won my singles match 9-0!!! Yayayay!!  I am pretty happy about that but I feel really bad at the same time as I normally play as number 1 (top of team) but today. Played as number 3,I don't know why, I think our coach just wanted us to win both our doubles matches, but as I played 3 I had a really easy component so I won each game 40-0 or 40-15 I don't think the poor girl gt more than 4 or 5 points in total! Aww I feel bad, I even tryed to let her win won but she couldn't return the softest and simplist hits I could do and she kept double faulting... S that bit wasn't my fault, I didn't even get the chance to bring out my awesome forehand!!  And then we had  to default our second game as one of our p,ayers didn't turn up so I didn't get a doubles match :( I was looking forward to tennis but I only got one really easy game where I didn't have to try :( hopefully next week I can go back being number one!

Ahhh I have my speaking test in french on monday!! I HATE having t speak infront f the class especially in French! So I a all panicky about that :(

This afternoon I am planning to try and mak some fudge as I want to make it as gifts for Christmas but I want to make sure it works and tastes okay first! Haha everytime I attempt to make fudge it fails, I either burn it or it tastes gross or it doesn't set and it is all runny so we just have funde sauce in icecream instead hahah!! Just s we don't waste it, but I am going to have hope in this new recipe I found!! Fingers crossed!!

And I am n the middle of writing the Christmas tradition post as requested sothat will be up soon too :)

Lots of love Livvy :) xoxo

Thursday, 27 November 2014

You are PERFECT !!

and dun dun dun I have my first ever tan line!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am sooooo happy I am never tanned at all, Until today I though it was impossible but is turns out it is not!!!!! Sorry I thought that was worth sharing hahahhaa!!! BIG accomplishment!!!

Wednesday, 26 November 2014

YAY I finished my project!!! Finally!!

Yayayayay!!! I finally finished my project both practical and book work!!! :) What do you think?

 Haha today my teacher came up and said : no offence but your bag looks like bacteria! and walked off, I don't know if it was a compliment or not... I can never tell with her..
I don't think it does though!!

The oh so fun part :/ ^^ and no that wasnt the only page :/
And it is reversible dun dun dun ;)
Oh it was so much effort having to hand dye and print all the fabric as well!!
And now I have my very own bacteria bag hahahaha!!!

Tuesday, 25 November 2014

Good day and super bad anxiety filled night... :/

Tonight has been one of thee most stressful and anxiety provoking nights of my life.
I had to baby sit my 2yr old brother while my mum and R were at his music thing and my dad is somewhere in Australia or NZ don't know where, he goes away so often I lose track of where he is. It wasn't too bad to start with as he was only up for 40min before I had to put him to bed but that's when it all went wrong. He wanted mum. Not me. Mum. So after yelling and yelling and wanting various teddybears and trains and things I was freaking out. I could not stop him from crying an by then I was crying and .... And so I had a screaming baby to try and calm down when the only thing he wanted was mum or dad and I wouldn't do. I didn't know what to do and by then I had sent tonnes of texts o my mum and called her four times but she didn't reply to any of them, and then of course my stupid mind started playing up on me again, making me thnk that they had been in a car crash on the way or something had happened to them or something had happened to my dad like his plane crashed or went missing and she was too busy trying to find out what happened etc. and then my anxiety was killing me and I broke down and it was all too much. That's what I hate about GAD. It makes up ideas that you know aren't real but it plays the images of it happening over and over and over convincing you it is real and then you get upset because well ou are convinced your family is dead  or badly injured or missing and then throw in a screaming baby into the mixture and ahhhhh!!!! It was horrible and I feel really bad because my mum felt so bad for me when I got home and wouldn't stop appoligising when it really wasnt her fault at all. It was me and my over active stupid mind. I also feel really bad about letting my mum down as I know how to deal with it but I couldn't and I feel that I should of, at least for her sake. But oh we'll that is over now and my family is home and safe (thank goodness!) and B has finally gone to sleep after mum got home. Now I am exhuasted. Three hours of panick tears and a screaming baby is enough.
To end on some good news, I received top mark/100% in the biology section of my science exam (other two sections haven't been marked yet)  and the only person in my class to do so, yay! One thing anxiety is good for, you worry about exams and so you study hard out to try and keep yourself from full out panic or throwing up with nerves (which is nt fun by the way. I was sick literally, with anxiety everyday before school for two terms. And throwing up everyday before school as you are so anxious is just not fun, then you lose weight as get in even more trouble with the dietian and hospital and yeah not fun.) and I also got my theme study result (my 10hour project) back today as well and I got high excellence as well! S I am really happy about both my marks! Writing three pages for each essay is now worth it! Haha mine was about 10 1/2 pages long ;) plus my other activities (book cover,   Symbols in text etc.) and she wrote in my comment that it was fantasic work to a high standard but was the longest in the class by about 5 pages hahaha! And that I didn't need to wrote that much but I felt I did. It said to write about 300 words for all of them but every one was at about 1000 except for me who sat at a awesome 5500!! Haha!!! Rebel ;) it was worth it though ;)
So I am just going to remember the good points of today and forget the stressful anxiety parts.
How was your day??
And is there an particular topics you would like me to write about?? I don't want to bore you with my super fun life ;) hahhaha! Please comment :) I don't bite :)
Lots of love
Livvy :) xoxoxo !!!

Monday, 24 November 2014


Hi guys !! Well I don't really have much to say today :/
I got some results back today from my exams and I don't think I did that well... It didn't deserve the crying and panic before school that's for sure, I mean if I got 70% or higher it might of been wrth it but I wasn't today... Well for math I got 45%... But it was okay as the highest score was 78% and the lowest 27%  so in the middle and this is the extension class I am talking about!! The top yr 10 kids out of 500 that we havein our yr!! So that proves how hard the test was. It was the fact it was so long and no one got near he end so no one gt near finishing it a all. S all our marks dropped from the fact it was so long. And it is kinda embarrassing as we got a much harder test so when some kids in our form class get 93% because their test was easy peasy and I could of gotten full marks. But that's life. And dun dun dun I got my French results back, honesty if you saw me walking into that class room well it would of taken a while as I kinda waited outside to scared to go in but my awesome friend was there and understands how hard it is for me and so she got me actually in the class haha!! I would of gone in when the second bell went well I think I would of... I probably looked completely stupid trying not to burst into tears and freak out in class but I can thank my friend for not letting me and comforting me!! Thank you so much I love you!! I couldn't survive my classes without you, you are an amazing wonderful best friend I could ever have! Xoxo! But it was okay in the end, I got excellence for reading merit for listening (1/2 a mark off excellence!! Grrr that's annoying!)  and achieved for writing... Oops... :/  but hey I passed I guess which is a relife as I thought I was going to fail the writing. But as some people (aka me and others) got lower marks than normal ie my achieved when I normally get excellence on it she is going to average out our years scores for the one we did not so well on so I won't get an achieved on my report yay! So thankfully that is over!
Now time to get all panicky about tomorrow and more results... Yay! Not.... :/
 I hope you are all fantastically well!
Lots of love
L. Xoxo :)

Saturday, 22 November 2014

Chocolate chip cookies :)


So here is the recipe :) this is my modified VERSION but if you would like to see the original VERSION it is Here


1 cup butter, at room temperature
1/3 cup granulated/Caster sugar
1/2 cup light brown sugar
1 large egg yolk
2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract
2-1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1-1/2 cups semi-sweet mini chocolate chips
Preheat the oven to 350°F (175°C)
In the bowl of a stand mixer fitted with the paddle attachment, beat the butter and sugars together on medium speed until light and fluffy, about 3 or 4 minutes. Scrape down the sides of the bowl and add the egg yolk and vanilla and beat to incorporate.
Turn the mixer down to low and add the flour, mixing until just barely combined. Remove from the mixer and knead in the mini chocolate chips by hand to ensure they're distributed evenly.
Roll out thinly and cut shapes out of it or just roll into small balls and press with a fork - which is what I did

Bake for about 10-12 minutes, rotating the baking sheet halfway through, until they’re lightly golden brown around the edges. Allow to cool on a wire rack for a few minutes before removing the cookies from the pan and allowing them to cool completely.
So yep I think these taste amazing and you should all make them :)

I got my ballet exam results!!!!

Ahhhh they arrived!!!! Oh my gosh I was shaking when I opened them but hey all was good as I saw...

Which is pretty good I guess.. 65/100 It could of been better but hey I did my best and so I will be happy of it. It is not a pass or standard not attained and it is at the high end of merit so I will keep smiling :)

I am so glad that is over, I hate waiting for results not know if they will be good or bad!!!
But it was good this time round :)


Hey guys how are you? fantastic I hope :)

Today it got to 30 degrees!!! Ahhhh it was amazing!!! probably thee only hot day we will get this summer haha! It was great except for the fact I had tennis this morning and let me tell you playing singles for two hours in scorching hot sun is not fun. At all. And I thought  I put sunscreen everywhere but I must of forgot the top of my right arm as now I have an awesome bright red tan line from my top :/ oops..

Today my Mum, my Gran and I went to the Royal NZ ballet, A Christmas Carol, and it was sooo good!! I loved every tiny bit of it !!!

 The theater is so pretty :) It has just been finished being restored after it was badly damaged in the earthquake but they did a good job of it, it looks just like it did before the earthquake :)
(haha pics from google :))

 And my hair that I am quite proud of :)
And my super yummy lunch after two very long games of tennis :) 
deserved every little bit of it :) I only managed 6 bits but I am pretty happy with that.

Hey I am soo sorry this is late I thought I published it but I obviously pressed the wrong button as it didnt but it did save :) sorry :)

Friday, 21 November 2014

Life has its hard times...

Well you know how I was so proud of myself of not breaking down well it lasted until yesterday after school. I managed yesterday morning as well which I was so happy about not one tear!! Yay! But after school I don't know I just kind of broke down and I think I spent probably three hours in tears and full panic mode, it was horrible I felt sick and faint and I couldn't stop shaking and then my dad got angry at me and I was just a mess. It wasn't fun, like all my anxiety that I have been pushing away and hiding just couldn't contain itself any longer and burst out and knocked me over. Thankfully by then my mum was home and came to talk to me, which honestly is just what I wanted.
I feel so bad for yesterday, I am so sorry t both my parents, I am so so sorry. I get t a place where I just want to give up and it is all too hard and I am sorry, I am sorry for bringing you into the mess of me and I am sorry for wanting t give up and I am sorry for all the things I have said and I am sorry.
And on top of t all I didn't do very well in my English exam, all the questions I had studied and memorized quotes for weren't there! There was three possible questions out of about 10 we would get and I studied for six questions and none of them were there, I was hoping at least one was! Seriously it was a 2/3 chance for each one but nope none I was in that unlucky 1/3 of all six questions! Ahhh so I had t make up both my essays on the spot and had 30min t write and plan each which isn't enough time! So they were short and well I don't think I did t well...
And today I did my French exam and I am not going t mention anything else except I think I will be lucky if I pass.

But to end on good news I did get an excellence on my health project, mine was on body image in music so I am happy I got to marks on that :)

Anyway I hope you are all well :)
Love ya :) xoxox

Wednesday, 19 November 2014

Few two exams done :)

Hiiii :) I hope you are all well!

Today has been a oh so stressful day! But I have a big achievement!!! As I have exams this week (ahhhhhh) I am filled to the to with anxiety and this morning  was and am so so so so happy with myself!! Why? Firstly because I didn't throw up this morning as when I have bad days with anxiety that's normally what happens so I am proud of myself fr that and secondly I didn't even cry once before school!!! I am so proud of myself, I know it doesn't seem much but on a normal school day with no exams or tests I always get so nervous that I just break down and cry in my room before school and then of course one of my parents will come and tell me off, telling me I am being stupid and to do my exercises which I hate as it make me feel like there is something wrong with me like I have some mental illness, which I do, but I don't like to think of it as one, its like I am anxious about school my mum or dad will come in and tell me no you are not doing this, you know what to do,do your exercises and walk out and I don't know it just makes me feel horrible and makes it feel all to real I guess? Does that make any sense at all? Probably not. But it does to me haaha. And well anyway as today is a day most 'normal' people would feel a bit nervous and too me it is like a run away and hide day and to get through it without breaking down or crying it feels amazing!! Just have to do it again tomorrow!...
Well today i had my math and science exams, both 1 hour 45min, which isn't long but still, we get in there first thing at 8 and get given our math paper and it is flipping 18 pages long?!! What??! And double sided?! It was so tick that the staple barely went through the pages!! And it was a harder test as I am in the extension class fr math (and English :) ) we got a harder test than all the other yr ten classes (unfair I know!)   And it was so hard and no one in our class got anywhere near finishing it! I didn't even get the chance to see what was on the last four pages and even then I was just doing the esay ones skipping the hard ones and I didn't get that far!! So I don't think I did that well on the maths exam... But for science it was super easy, well I though it was!! There were a few things I didn't know but 97% of it I did which was great! All the things I studied for were in it and the things some.f my friends studied for and made me nervous because I didn't weren't in itso that was good! It shocked me when some people came out and said it was so hard and they knew nothing and think they failed!! Because well for me it was super easy!! I hope that is a good thing :)

Tonight at ballet we got told our exam results were put in the mail yesterday so I will receive my mark anytime from now!! Ahhhh!! I don't think I did very well s I am super nervous!! And she gave us a big talk about it is okay if you didn't get a merit or higher a pass is still good, it doesn't matter about your result, it is one persons opinion (a well trained professional one!) someone else migh love you etc etc and so I am super nervous that she said that because one of us did really badly r didn't pass and I am scared that it will be me !! Ahhhh, I am pretty sure I at least passed though :) ahhhh!!

Monday, 17 November 2014

My afternoon

Well as school ended early today as exams are tomorrow (AHHHH!!) After doing some study, well a lot of study I made Bs second birthday cake as it is tomorrow, aww he will be a big 2yr old!!!

I mad it into a little purple dinosaur as that is his favorite colour! 

I am so happy with how it turned out!! it is soo cute!!
especially with the new vanilla M&Ms on it!! perfect colours!! 

And of course study...

You can tell science is my favorite subject!! I put so much effort into my book work. My book is so so neat compared to my others, gosh if you saw my maths book!! haha!!

So so tired

Ahh I am seriously panicking for exams it is not funny at all, my friends think its funny how much I am worrying about it and laugh at me, but only if the knew how it felt. None of them have anxiety disorders. In fact most of them are the complete opposite to me, the are always the loud ones I mean super loud, the crazy ones who will gel there long hair strait up just cause they can and walk around school like that and there is over 3000 judging teenages at my school plus over 100 teachers! And yes they have done that... I didn't but they did, haha pretended I didn't know them for a day ;) not I still love them ;) they can ask teachers questions and answer questions in class without freaking out and going bright red and super quiet that the teacher can barely hear you like I do. I go bright red even if a teacher mentions my name, oh my gosh role time is the worst !! Not kidding. I Will go bright red.
So I am super tired from all my extra school work (I re wrote out 4 essays between volleyball and ballet, yep super happy) and the fact I was awake since three last night and couldn't get back to sleep all thanks to my period, man I hate them! I wish I could go back to not having one, that time was so much better, the times when I would not feel sick and get the worst cramps ever and throw up for a week each month. And I have to take so much medication to try and get me to school that week and it is horrible,  hate taking pills and stuff. And the week of exams seriously!!!
So i am filled to the brim with horrilbe anxiety, back to crying before school and begging not to go, but of course I do an d then I feel worse as I am scared my friends will notice my red eyes from crying and ask me what's wrongs and I can't lie, I just can't but at the same time I don't want to tell them because I don't know how they will react and I don't want to be treated any differently. So hmmm, life is tough :( but I am sure it will get better soon :)
Life is a rollercoaster, never easy going and flat, always full of highs and deep deep lows but the track will always head back up again, always.
And to end in a high, we won our last volleyball game of the year! 25-16 yay!!

Hope you are well
Xoxox :)

Sunday, 16 November 2014

My brain hurts...

How has my whole day been spent?? Well, I have spent thee whole day studying and doing my theme study which is due on Tuesday. Who sets a 8 hour asseingment gives you two weeks to do it in and due the day before exams?! Really??! Honestly I don't think anyone has time to sit down and do it in one go, I don't have that time! And I am super busy after school and have lots of other things I am committed to doing as well, like tennis ballet volleyball etc. as well as other smaller hw tasks making food ;) and spending and doing jobs with my family. So it has been really hard to get that all done, I am quite happy with myself. Today I have written four essays, and a page about a symbol that reflects dystopian society in the novel pawn (really really good book if anyone wants to read it it called pawn by Aimee carter) a criteria for my theme and made a book cover of acid by Emma pass (also a amazing book, intact one of my favs!  After Harry potter of course ;) you should read it it is so good ;)) all in one day!! As well as spending an hour on maths and finishing my science notes that I will have to memorize before Wednesday!? So I feel as though I have accomplished something today :)  yayy!! But I am super stressed about exams in three days!! Ahhh!! I just want about another week so I can have everything super sorted out and memorized! But that won't happen.. Not unless there is a freak snow storm in the middle of summer ;) or another earthquake (we got about a month and a haf off after that!) but really I don't want that to happen, our city is already destroyed and I don't want any more people being killed or injured or any more damaged property again.
And for a nice suprise as I had been working all day, and were proud of me ;) haha.. My mum and dad decided that we would go out fr tea with our family :) yay!! We went to a lovely Chinese restaurant and everything was sooo good especially the sweet and sour pork and the dumplings :) and I think I found my new all time fav vegetable, bok choy!! Cooked in garlic, oh my gosh it was so good!! I think I ate about 9/10 of the whole bowl, my parents didn't get very much haha!! And well R was not going near anything that was green like always :)  we also got BBQ pork, chicken and cashews, fried rice, the amazing sweet and sour pork, dumplings, and fresh spring rolls made with rice paper (not deep fried) and ginger beef and it was all super yummy, I ate so much that I made my stomach cramp up which was not nice but at least I knew I ate enough :) haha, better more than less ;) it was probably because I am not use to eating that much, but it was a normal portion so I guess my stomach has not been stretched out to a normal size again yet :( but t is getting there :) !! Yay!
So that was a nice suprise! And then back home to studying again :( only five days and they will all be over!! Yayyy!! Then only a few weeks left of being a yr 10!! And finally six weeks of lovely holidays! Yaayyyyy!! Can't wait :)
When do you finish school? Do you have your big holiday over Christmas or not? I don't know if it is just NZ that does that, America has there's in the middle of the yr right?? Haha I have no idea ;)  as you can tell!!

Saturday, 15 November 2014

Pictures 2

 ^^ Super fluffy chickens!!^^
Wanted to cuddle it!! and dont worry its pen was a lot bigger it was just in the corner :)

 These are just too cute!!


^^And then home again to my very own little animal :) ^^
Byron :)

It was an awesome day and i ate lots of junk food too!! A hotdog, waffle and a slushy :) super happy!!! No guitly feelings!! tasted too good :) :)

I hope you all are well :) 

The show :)

The show was amazing!!! So fun like always, I wish it was more than once a year!!! Well I don't really know how to explain it or what to say so you can have lots and lots of pictures instead!! (there are heaps so I might have to make two post)

 ^^Me with a super cute goat and some random little kid haha ^^
I didnt have the guts to ask her nicely to move so I could take a pic :)

So as you can tell lots of animals and cuddling evolved :)
Everything was so cute xx loved it!!
I wanted to take them all home with me!!

Anyway I do have heaps more so I will make another post :)