Sunday, 30 November 2014

Diary entry start of 2014

I have anorexia. It is not offical, well kinda, the dietian said if I walked into the ED ward I would be diagnosed immediately which I have the choice of doing but I don't want to. I can do it on my own. I don't want help. I would have to stay for weeks and weeks and I don't want that. So instead I have to visit my GP every two weeks. Only 12 more kg to's horrible! I feel horrible and I a use to being this size, I have been since I was about 11 so and the thought of having to put on weight makes me feel gross and fat. I don't want to lose any more weight, I like my size but no more either. But I have no choice I have to put on 12 kg!! :( I feel sick all the time and get forced to eat I hate it. I also have to have these supplements called fortisip and they taste like crap all to get more calories into me which I dont like the sound of. I HATE it so much!! Ugh now I am crying again! I hate it I hate it I hate it!! And mix in my fricken stupid anxiety disorder as well, ahhhh!!! Help me. Please help. It wasn't my choice.

This was me at the start of 2014 and I was 13 at the time. I was in a horrible dark place and I don't ever want to I back. Ever. It feels weird to read back through my diary and how much worse it was then compared to where I am now, which is still not a fantastic place but a hell of a lot better than then. Thankfully I found this written about a month later...

It will be okay!! All my problems including anxiety and depression and anorexia WILL go away. I am strng enough to make them!! And trust me I will!! I just need a postive attitude and it will work out in the end! I know it will be hard but it is a step I am willing to take.

And that is true.

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