Wednesday, 12 November 2014

Mixed feelings

Hi all. I don't know how I feel at the moment, it is one of those times when you feel happy but really sad at the same time, excited but so full of anxiety I feel like bursting, and it is a weird feeling. All I want to do is curl up and cry and fall asleep never having to wake up again, never having to go to school ever again as it just is a magnet attracting me to anxiety and depression always pulling me in and never letting go until that final bell for the day rings. And I hate it. School is just so hard, yes I am good at it and yes I love seeing all my friends and I love doing the work but t is so energy draining and hard and anxiety provoking and that's what I hate about it. And I have s many projects due next week which I am no where near finishing and then starting on Wednesday I have my exams and of course I am panicking about them all ready. And tomorrow I have the beep test (thee most horrible running thing you could ever do!! There are two lines 20 meters apart and you have to get from one side t the other before it beeps and the beeps get faster and faster until you are sprinting and they get to fast and you miss them or you are so tired you just collapse on the ground in a panting heap. ) it is horrible i and I am terrible at it seriously I hate running and suck at it I like all  exercise except running, running is my worst nightmare. Partly because I have the worst arches n my feet ever, they are really high and always collapse in and out of line my knees ankles and hips so it is painful to do it as well. And as I killed my knee at volleyball on Monday and I hurts to walk running about 8-10 km tomorrow is not going to be fun :(  but there is n way I can get out of it either, as if I 'forget' my PE gear we have to run in our school uniform which involves a short skirt not fun and even I'd you are injured and have a note you still are made to do as much as you can, I had to do it my first da back after spending two weeks in hospital with my kidney which still hurt a hell of a a lot and I had a note so I had to run in a skirt but I only lasted until level 2 which is about ten lengths as I couldn't breathe at all and was choaking as the pain was s bad and I was seriously close to passing out and I was so weak but yep the teacher still made me do it  and I was sent home after as I couldn't stand up or breathe and was crying in pains thanks extremely unfair rules and PE teachers! Not. And so many people have done it on crutches as well it is s unfair, so hmmm unless I stay at home I will be doing t but even if I stay at home I will have t do t when I come back. Ahhh I hate running!!! And it is first period!!! So I will be nice and sweaty and smelly for the rest of the day as we aren't allowed to use the showers I don't even know if they work and we have five min after to get changed and then go strait to science. So yayyyy! Not. And I am so nervous too all the anxiety rushing through me. And I don't want to do it!!!

So sorry for my little rant about running ;) I hate t so much!
Wish me luck fr tomorrow! I plan not to throw up and be crying in a ball full of pain and not breathing after it this time ;) haha I plan to get to achieved level and then drop out like most people and be able to actually walk away and get changed after ;) haha well I don't have a kidney/bloodstream infection this time ;) and I haven't just been in hospital for two  weeks trying to avoid surgery on my kidneys either so good start ;)
Ahhh!! Oh well I have to do it :(
Love you all xoxoxo!!

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