Tonight has been one of thee most stressful and anxiety provoking nights of my life.
I had to baby sit my 2yr old brother while my mum and R were at his music thing and my dad is somewhere in Australia or NZ don't know where, he goes away so often I lose track of where he is. It wasn't too bad to start with as he was only up for 40min before I had to put him to bed but that's when it all went wrong. He wanted mum. Not me. Mum. So after yelling and yelling and wanting various teddybears and trains and things I was freaking out. I could not stop him from crying an by then I was crying and .... And so I had a screaming baby to try and calm down when the only thing he wanted was mum or dad and I wouldn't do. I didn't know what to do and by then I had sent tonnes of texts o my mum and called her four times but she didn't reply to any of them, and then of course my stupid mind started playing up on me again, making me thnk that they had been in a car crash on the way or something had happened to them or something had happened to my dad like his plane crashed or went missing and she was too busy trying to find out what happened etc. and then my anxiety was killing me and I broke down and it was all too much. That's what I hate about GAD. It makes up ideas that you know aren't real but it plays the images of it happening over and over and over convincing you it is real and then you get upset because well ou are convinced your family is dead or badly injured or missing and then throw in a screaming baby into the mixture and ahhhhh!!!! It was horrible and I feel really bad because my mum felt so bad for me when I got home and wouldn't stop appoligising when it really wasnt her fault at all. It was me and my over active stupid mind. I also feel really bad about letting my mum down as I know how to deal with it but I couldn't and I feel that I should of, at least for her sake. But oh we'll that is over now and my family is home and safe (thank goodness!) and B has finally gone to sleep after mum got home. Now I am exhuasted. Three hours of panick tears and a screaming baby is enough.
To end on some good news, I received top mark/100% in the biology section of my science exam (other two sections haven't been marked yet) and the only person in my class to do so, yay! One thing anxiety is good for, you worry about exams and so you study hard out to try and keep yourself from full out panic or throwing up with nerves (which is nt fun by the way. I was sick literally, with anxiety everyday before school for two terms. And throwing up everyday before school as you are so anxious is just not fun, then you lose weight as get in even more trouble with the dietian and hospital and yeah not fun.) and I also got my theme study result (my 10hour project) back today as well and I got high excellence as well! S I am really happy about both my marks! Writing three pages for each essay is now worth it! Haha mine was about 10 1/2 pages long ;) plus my other activities (book cover, Symbols in text etc.) and she wrote in my comment that it was fantasic work to a high standard but was the longest in the class by about 5 pages hahaha! And that I didn't need to wrote that much but I felt I did. It said to write about 300 words for all of them but every one was at about 1000 except for me who sat at a awesome 5500!! Haha!!! Rebel ;) it was worth it though ;)
So I am just going to remember the good points of today and forget the stressful anxiety parts.
How was your day??
And is there an particular topics you would like me to write about?? I don't want to bore you with my super fun life ;) hahhaha! Please comment :) I don't bite :)
Lots of love
Livvy :) xoxoxo !!!