Love your body

Love your body, I know it is hard when in recovery and are putting on weight, trust me I know I am still in recovery too :) You might like your body all boney but you will love it even more when you are recovered, your real body! Your true body!! I like mine even more by the day and remember putting on weight is NOT all fat, it is bone and muscle as well!!

Home at last :)

Yay back at home again after the party. I loved the party but I am always so tired afterward and well it's 10:30pm!! Sophie didn't end up coming which is sad but I will give her her present at school on Monday. When everyone arrived we played the chocolate game where you have to roll the dice and when you get a six you have to pit on a scarf, hat, gloves and a mask and cut up the chocolate with a knife and fork and eat as much as you can until the next person rolls a six. Lucky I only rolled a six once and only got,one piece! I was fine about eating the chocolate but felt really dizzy and sick so I suppose that was my body saying don't eat the chocolate! Which is wrong and unhappy that my body still does that! Next we did apple bobbing, well mini chocolate bar bobbing which was interesting and very hard and the water was freezing! We watched the internship after then had tea which was pizza (only had one slice...), hamburger sliders (really tiny hamburgers had 1), garlic bread (had two small bits, would of only had one if I had relised how much butter had been put on them!), these mini hotdog thing with cheese and wrapped in pastry (still hate pastry it is soo gross even the French pastrys and crosants and chocolate ones, I use to like them not I can't stand them, even if I see someone else eating them it just makes me cringe. But that doesn't mean because I don't like them you can't eat them if you like them go for it!!) and mini baked chicken nuggets! All was very nice but now I think of it I probably didn't eat enough for a whole meal... I definitely ate the least there, which I am going to change! How did you go with your 'scary' foods? Well I hope! :) we then watched confishens of a shopaholic which was good and ate cake and lollies. Nne of which was gluten free and my stomach is already beginning to cramp :( it will be worse in the morning, not looking forward to it, regret eating it now, but I couldn't not eat dinner, that would just start me off in my old bad habits again! And I don't want to lose anymore weight!
And that was it with lots of laughing and talking! It was fun but to be honest I am really glad to be back at home in my bed curled up with my cat and fifty something teddybears! Don't ask I know it's babyish but it helps with my anxiety. And anything to help it go away and lessen it is worth it!! And I love them, had them all since I was born! Haha now sounding like I am five! Oh well...

Have a good night, sleep well and get ready for a nice freash start tomorrow!! Xoxo :)

Lunch

Sushi for lunch yum :) sorry link I know will update again when I have access to the computer. :)
Tuna sushi . I love sushi, do you? What's your favorite type? Off to my friends joint birthday party in 2 hours! They will pass either very fast or extremely slow, not sure which yet... But I will start to get anxious soon... :/ oh well! Who cares?!

Have a nice afternoon :D

Photos... And anxiety

Hey guys I am really sorry but the photos had just finished downloading off my camera onto the computer as I was just about to copy them onto my post but my mum came in and said she needed the computer for work even though I was also doing homework at the time, oh well I wasn't even going to try to fight back as I knew I was going to lose either way so hopes up tomorrow strait after school!! I will try sorry xoxo! :)

Well my day was okay it started off very stressful but was okay once I was at school, I find that I get anxiety before entering each class with a different teacher and students and especially before school! I went to a phsocologist for almost a year to try and help my anxiety as I was not coping at all self harming and it got so bad that I pretended to be sick for two weeks, well I started off actually sick but then it turned into anxiety but my symptoms were pretty much the same (nausea, vomiting etc.) and I didn't notice. For about three months I felt terrible I was scared to be in public or around people yet I was terrified of being alone, I had to go to school but threw up very morning before school and occantionly at school in the bathrooms (see where my ED started?) I spend most of my time at the councilors office or crying outside my class to scared to go in. It was horrible. Thankfully it is no where near as bad now just a little to make my day difficult and stress full but that's okay I have learnt to live with GAD and hopefully I will continue to improve but I have been told that I will never be free from GAD it will always be with me :/ but who cares?? Not me, got to keep positive :) :)

If anyone has questions about anxiety or GAD please feel free to comment them or if you want to email me privately, hey I don't even care of I don't know who you are or your name feel free to be anonomus! I am here to help, I love helping people :) :)

Anyway this post has kind of turned into anxiety not photos oh well have a awesome night!! :) xoxo :) :)

Long day...

Sorry no post in the morning this is why; I woke up at 6 with my alarm but then somehow went back to sleep and woke up again at 7:20 and I had to leave to catch the bus at 7:40!! So I was very rushed and all my anxiety caught up with me and I just burst into tears. I just didn't want to go to school, I knew I would go but it felt like a impossible task at the time. And then to make things worse I went to make my breakfast to find we had no oats left as my brother and mum had finished them that morning, ugh I hate having to change what I eat, I like my schedule. It is oats for breakfast!  So I had a fortisip instead :/ and to make things even worse time to grab my lunch and go and we didn't have any of my crackers or any crackers at all or rice things or roast corn so I had no carbs to pack, only a banana for fruit and biscuits. So that's what I took a banana and two biscuits :( no yogurt either. That one thing I hate about holidays. At lunch I had nothing as I ate my food at morning break so I decided that I wasn't going to be stupid and not eat soi went to the canteen (I hate the canteen soooo much! Anxiety with asking and deciding what to have and I don't know what is in it etc.) I ended up getting a chicken wrap which was okay. It had too much BBQ sauce though. But better than nothing.

I have lots of homework to do and three assignments to do well two really one isn't due until the end of the year but is something like 50 hours worth of work and I am slow so probably more like 80 :/

I'm looking forward to Friday night as my friends invited (first time invited out with my new friends XD!!!) me out to go rockclimbing, only at clip and climb so it will be easy but I haven't been there in about 4 years so it will be really fun to go back :D yay!! It's like I can feel my friends actually care about me and don't just sit with me because they feel sorry for me!! And even better next day day saturday I also got invited to go to my friends joint birthday party!! I feel like I am included with my friends finally!!! I use to feel left out, they also use to go out with me, they would invite everyone but me and these are the first two times I have been asked yayyyy!! So happy all fuzzy feelings inside :) :) !!! No ideas for presents though any ideas for 15yr old girls?? Please comment make my day :)

I will post the pictures later they are just downloading now :)

Hope your day went super well xoxoxoxo!!

Quotes

When I was having a really hard time with anxiety I would tend to be inspired by quotes from people I love and look up to like J.K. Rowling (Harry potter) and Veronica Roth (divergent) and they would help to make me feel happy and calm again, here are some of my fav that will hopefully inspire you as well!!

Also by JK Rowling 

What I did is that I got my favorite quotes and wrote them all over my window (you can use whiteboard marker on windows, it just rubs off) and wrote/painted them on pretty paper and now have them all over my room so everywhere I look I can be happy. Why don't you give it a try as well? It helps me so maybe it will help you too :) 

Wieght gain

Okay so putting on weight is a really hard thing to do. It will take time and you will look different but you won't be fat. You won't be overweight. You will just look healthy like a normal person, really who just want to be skin and bones. You will actually look better and prettier when you can't see all the bones in your arms or every rib. One thing I was terrified of was not being about to see my clavicles (bone by your neck) and my ribs, but you know I have put on 7kg and I can still see them, I still have 5kg to f but I'm not worried any more, not at all! I am liking how my new body looks, yes it is different but a good different.

Start with throwing out all your tenny tiny old clothes, they won't fit you. And they can just be triggering to see them every time you go to get dressed . But think on the bright side, you can go shopping!! Get new clothes that actually fit! And look nice on you!

When I first started putting on weight and still am I get really bloated and all the 'fat' seems to be going to my stomach and legs, but it will even out. It is just going there to cover vital organ and to prepare your body for if it falls into starvation mode again, so it goes to the most important places first, it will spread out and you probably won't see a difference when it does evenly spread, this just takes a couple of months to do. And remember that when you are at a healthy weight you will probably look thinner than when you were still putting on weight as a lot of it will just be water fat or water weight. This happens because your body is not use to getting enough food and just wants to hang onto it for as long as possible, storing it as a liquid. So it will disappear when you are eating regularly.

Something that helps is not to know how much you weigh. You will be putting on weight in recovery but you will not know how much, for all you know you might not be able to see a difference in your body therefore think you are not putting on weight when you are actually putting on X amount each week. This helped me a lot . If I couldnt tell I put on Xkg how could I tell when I put on X more?! I couldnt! Sorry I didn't explain that one very well...

Weight gain is hard to cope with and you will feel like falling back into your old habits. But when you get use to your 'new' body you will love it a lot more. It looks nicer your skin won't be all pale and seethrought ish your hair will be less greasy and have a nice shine to it, and you will have tonnes more energy. You won't miss being cold all the time and not being able to do exercise at all having to sit still and being in a wheelchair. You won't miss that, you will be to busy loving your new body :)

Fight those evil words in your head and concur them! I believe in you!

Ahh!!

Only a matter of 7 hours before we are to be at the airport. Freaking out with anxiety!! Oh well I'm sure I'll be fine when I get there. Ive got extra anxiety about flying because of the flight that went missing and the one that got shot down (even though we aren't flying over Russia!!) and the one the 'blew' in to the side of the mountain on its way out of nz and I live in nz! So yeah... Also really excited though!! Sorry there will be no pictures while I am away but I can promise there will be heaps when I get home again!! I have also schuldeled I think it's one post per day while I am away so if I don't have any Internet there should still be something to read :) I will try to post an update every chance I get, if I don't I apologies now :)

So yay excited, also feel sick with anxiety and my heart is pounding which I think will increase in 7 hours!!! As well as get all my other sysmptoms also (shaking, nausea etc.) not looking forward to that but am looking forward to the trip. Hopefully everything goes okay!! So anxietous right now thank GAD!! But it will be okay just breath...

Anyways hope you guys will cope over the next few days, well I know you will! Keep eating even if it's hard, it will be very hard for me! I will be eating every meal with over 30 people!! And that's just our group nit everyone else in the restuarant!, we will be with my Dad and his work collegues. So yeah remember that you are perfect!! I care about you if it feels like no one else does, I will be here. And love is stronger than the pressure to be perfect! It will always be that way!

Love ya all!!

Well

Well today didn't go to plan my friend was running late and said oh I'll only be 5min again and again over and over again until it got to 8:40 and school started at 9 so I just left without her and ran to school with my big heavy bag in 20 minutes which when normally takes me an hour to walk and got to class just on time our teacher is always late so I wasn't! Then I had to model my costume and had to wear it for the whole hour as I wasn't allowed to go to the changing rooms and I was NOT taking off my top to stand there in my bra while there were windows everywhere and boys in the room... And I didn't want everyone to see how thin I was, I am ashamed enough. Then at our breaks my friends kind of ignored me, like I came over a said hi as I sat down and they kept talking and didn't even relise I was there and my best friend M has found a love in anime so now she just talks about it all the time with A who I am pretty sure dislikes me very much right from the start and so it's almost like I lost her cause every time I try to talk to A or to M when A is around she just looks at me and stops talking. Oh well, it can't be too bad sitting alone at lunch, can it?? And then when I got home everyone was out so I made a nice big smoothie just with yogurt, milk and this strawberry syrup thing we had in the cupboard it was really nice and filled me up. I had just finished when my mum came home and said we were going over to her friends for afternoon tea, even though I just ate mine!! And when we got there she had set up little plates for all of us with a cupcake chips a piece of brownie and a glass of fizzy, then a fruit platter in the middle and I kind of had to eat at least the stuff that was on my plate so now I am extra stuffed and feel sick. Then my little brother almost 2 was on the trampoline and fell and landed on the bar and slit his lip even though I had said to J to watch him so it didn't happen oh yeah yeah got it she said but it still happened and I feel like it was my fault, the guilt! And then when we were getting into the car a big gust of wind came and slammed the door shut in my head so now I feel sick and have a massive headache and in a hour I have to go to ballet!! I just feel like crying!! Oh well.

Some days you just have very bad luck..but you just have to stay positive! I hope your day went well :)

Quotes

You are perfect and can do anything xoxo I believe in you :)

I personally love quotes not sure about you but I do, they make me happy and remind me even though life is tough it gets better and it always will!! 

I hope these will help make your day, they helped brighten mine so hopefully it will do the same with you! And if today is tough remember tomorrow is a new day a new chance and it will get better! :)

Do something to boost your confidence!

New week at school tomorrow and I don't know about you but my anxiety is really getting to me (GAD) so what better time is it then to change something about my look to boost my confidence, why don't you do it this week as well? Go on I dare you! I personally love my hair but sometimes my frizzy fluffy wavey hair just gets too much so this week my hair is turning strait! Yep last time my hair was strait I got really good comments on how nice it looked and how I suited it really well from all my friends and that made me feel good so I think while I am still in my patch of things are tough kind of time I think it help get me through it, so yeah I temporally have strait hair! So if you have curly hair why not straiten it and if you have strait hair why not curl it?! And if you really don't like it you can always wash it out before school/work simply fixed! Or maybe paint your nails if allowed at your school, I'm not sadly :(  maybe put on a little mascara or lipgloss even little things like this can get you through and make you happy and give you confidence so why not?! Or if you don't have to wear a uniform wear something new or change your style just for one week, try it see how you feel. And if it makes you feel good why not do it more often. I know change of routines and 'normal' are hard to cope with trust me I know, little things can upset me but getting through the anxiety will do you good in the long term! And you might find something you like, so go on try something new this week with me!!

Today

Well so I did end up going to the pizza lunch and I just said gluten made me feel sick and I couldn't really eat more than one piece, which is almost true but I could of managed about four :P so I ended up eating one piece, choose the tiniest by far as I felt it would be rude not to eat anything after our prefects put quite a bit of effort into it. So I was happy and ate my tiny piece then settled for my two mandarins I had packed for my lunch, but then after my friends and a few boys realized how little I ate and there was one piece left I had most of the class chanting for me to eat it, so well I was filled with anxiety because so many people had there attention on me (that is the worst thing ever to happen to me, pretty much all my anxiety evolves people looking at me) so I took the piece and they all went away. But I knew I didn't want it I felt sick holding, not from gluten and after one bite I felt like throwing up, I didn't and wouldn't but felt it. For the whole lunch I just picked at it slowly all the grease and pineapple (hate cooked pineapple hate it) and oil ewww I ate it all but admit it was an effort. A big effort. Oh well I do need to put on weight, and there is nothing wrong with pizza at all pizzas good just not when you can see the oil and fat on top and drips off when you hold it... Ewww.

I would also just like to say sorry I know there hasn't been many photos at all lately but during the week my mum works at home to look after my brother and has all her work files up and documents open on the computer so week days the computer is out of bounds so I can't upload any and my iPad that I write my posts on doesn't let me put photos on so sorry mon-fri no pics but weekends I will go crazy !!

Bacon and pasta for tea was nice, a comfort with veges of corse! I made a chocolate self saucing pudding for dessert but after I made it I couldn't eat it, just lost all intrest in it couldn't put it in my mouth, I have know idea why but everyone else ate it and said it was good, so that's nice.

Anyway craving fruit salad at the moment, yes in bed so you can expect that for breakfast, haha. Hopefully with crêpes! If I can be bothered making them... :)

Good night :)

Friday!!!

Yay Friday, weekend!!! Horay!! Done all my homework, I can now do anything I want for two days!! Mwahaha! :) tomorrow I plan to walk down to the dairy (conveyance store) and stock up on lollies! Haven't got any in a long time so it is time to make a stash, I know it will take some effort to buy and eat them but they will last longer that way and I have made a mental disison that I will NOT come out with a bag of fruit! My goal! Haha sounds weird... Tonight I think we are having pasta and bacon yum! And I need to put on weight so I will eat it, I will!! It will be hard but I will all of it!!!

I did my speaking test today as well, yeah the one I was freaking out about and had to write and learn off by heart in French at 8 at night because my partner blew me off thanks, way to put stress on me! Well anyway I went up in my pink socks hat gloves and scarf and spoke and all went fine and I got excellence on it as well!! Yay!!

Have a nice weekend :) you can do it xoxo

Anxiety attacks

By educating yourself about panic attacks, you can begin to gain control of the problem. You don’t have to live in fear and uncertainty any longer. I have had many panic attacks mostly at school or in class as these are my tough points so I have learnt quite quickly to cover them up so others in my class don't notice as that for me would be like the worst thing ever. Anyway hopefully this post will help you xoxo.

Firstly :

Recognize the Symptoms of a Panic Attack

Familiarizing yourself with panic attack symptoms can help you feel more in control when you get one. Once you start to realize you’re experiencing a panic attack and not a heart attack, allergic reaction, or some other serious illness, you can focus on ways to calm yourself down.

Being able to recognize a panic attack for what it is will help you decide what to do to cope with it. Although symptoms will be different for everybody, some of the most common ones and the ones I get are:

• Irregular heart beat or faster heart beat
• Dizziness and lightheadedness
• Shortness of breath
• Choking sensations and nausea, sometimes vomiting
• Shaking and sweating
• Fatigue and weakness
• Chest pain and heartburn
• Muscle spasms
• Hot flashes or sudden chills
• Tingling sensations in your hand, feet, and around your mouth
• A fear that you’re going crazy
• A fear that you might die or be seriously ill
• Loss of appetite
• Headaches

Secondly:

How to deal with them:

Relax your muscles and slow your breathing

If you feel an attack coming on, simple breathing and relaxation techniques can help you feel more in control. But don’t wait until you’re having a panic attack to use the techniques. Practicing them twice a day for just 10 minutes at a time may make your panic attacks less frequent and easier to deal with when they happen.

1. Take in a slow, deep breath through your nose while counting to five. The hand on the chest should stay still, while the one over your diaphragm should raise with your breath. This is how you know the breath is deep enough. And focus on the word calm
2. When you reach the count of five, let the breath out slowly (through your nose) at the same rate. As you breathe out slowly focus or say the word relax and imagine all your worries flow out with your breath.
3. Relax your muscles. Find a comfortable position to sit in (or lie down).Close your eyes and begin to focus solely on your toes. Curl them under tightly for a count of five, squeezing the muscles together as hard as you can, then relax.Next, concentrate on your feet. Contract all of their muscles tightly for a count of five, then relax.Continue up your body, isolating each muscle group (calves, thighs, buttocks, stomach, chest, shoulders, neck, fingers, hands, and arms) all the way up to your face.By the time you contract and relax your face muscles, you should feel much calmer.

Hopefully this helped you understand what panic attacks are how I have been taught to deal with them and how you can too. I believe in you :)

I got some of my info from HERE so if you want to read more go to that website :)

Haha

So no anxious post in the morning :) well partly because for some reason I was very calm! I don't know why but it was good :) as for PE I just put three plasters over my cuts and yeah know one asked! So that's all good, we spent our period skipping!! Brings back childhood memories :) I did my speech last, as she was pulling our names out of a container mine wasn't being picked so I calmed down I would just have to do it tomorrow no probs but one of the speeches was short so there was time to do one more and then she called out my name... Kinda freaked out but just got up acted like there was no problems and it was all fine I spoke for 3:50minutes which is 50 seconds over the minimum time so that was good, I was so nervous and shaking I could hear my voice shaking as well as my face going bright red... Haha can't help it, I can't wait to see what mark I got, hopefully a merit higher (excellence) I think is unlikely but lower I think it's a bit harsh but I really don't care what my mark is, I GOT UP AND SPOKE IN FRONT OF THIRTY PEOPLE!!!!!! Yayyyyy I couldn't be prouder of myself, ya I felt like bursting into tears and running out refusing to speak but I did it !! That is all that matters to me at the moment so happy!!!

Well...

Off to school tomorrow. Yay kinda super anxious and speech dun dun dun. I will be fine. I just had to have a talk wit my parents they sat me down as was all like what has caused your anxiety? We can tell you are very depressed and anxious and we are going to start you doing lots of exercise to help, haha have they completely forgotten that I have to gain weight not lose it!! Oh well yay exercise I guess!! They also want me to start seeing my conceller/physicologst again I will call her M on this :) they said I keep falling back into my old ways... if only, pretty sure it's worse not so much the anxiety still back to stage one but not worse as far as eating and depression go well... if only they knew hw much I weigh at the moment,they still think I weigh 46 when I really weigh 42. And if they saw my new cuts done this afternoon on my ankle well that would have me in a mental hospital in ten minutes, so for now long socks! I don't even know wha happened I was practicing my speech and every time I messed up I cut myself with the siccors...I don't really feel guilty about it, it helped my frustration and depression drain away as this was soon after my mum yelled at me and I was still very upset. Good thing now is that because it hurt like hell I now know my speech off by heart :P  the only good thing, I am nt oing to do it aim very stupid!! Please don't do it it's not worth it please if you don't do it for yourself at least stop for your friends and family! Anyway not doing it again, I was very dumb and did it above my ankle above where my longest PE socks go. We have to where ankle socks for PE no exception if you forget your PE socks you have to go bare feet and my ankle socks don't cover my cuts and no jelewery so no anklets and a plaster isn't big enough I would need like five or six and it is obvious that isnt from my cat or a thorn bush etc it is really clear that it is a cut...from me... And make up doesnt work I've tried. So if any of you have tips please comment or email me ASAP ! Please I have PE first period tomorrow and really don't want everyone seeing, Ahh!! So don't be like me recover it's worth it!! Today was like my relaspe for andiety ED and depression all in one day...

Anyways see ya later!! Be warned anxious post in the morning garenteed :/

Upset

Well I went out and ate lunch by myself  and my mum came out and asked me how I was I said fine but my stomach still hurts and it s worse after eating aka now.she then just started yelling at me a saying it's just anxiety get over it and do your exercises or I am calling your phycologist or however  you spell t and I got really upset and burst into tears. She then got angrier at me for crying and was all like its all in your head get over it work through your plan you made for times like this. I don't have a plan WTF??! Like I am not nervous enough feeling like this knowing that it might be anxiety but I don't know how to deal with it and school catching up on work same with ballet and f*** speech!!! And pizza on fri!! I hate my life I just want it to end know one understands. They think I can just snap out of it I can't!! And this morning I got a text from a girl in my textiles group and she was all like where the F. are you!! Our teacher is sooo mad at us and you because you aren't here to mode and we at NOT doing it for you, it is your job! We are in so much crap and it is all your fault!! Well thanks F you! You don't know what my life is like already and it is not my fault I am sick and you have done nothing I made this whole thing and I took it home hand sewed a whole skirt for this just for you two to be bitchs and not where it so now w frickenbfailed the whole assement because you didn't want to wear it! I know you don't care what class you get into next year for NCEA but I was on track for the extension class but one fail could change all of that thanks!! Uugghh I hate my life!!! F*** them!! I will talk to my teacher but she seems to hate me so not likely she will change her mind! I feel like telling them how much stress and anxiety and depression and my ED  is putting on me at the moment but they won't change their mind! They won't give a shit about me. And are you really making a girl with anorexia walk around in a singlet a tight short skirt! Like I don't feel sick enough having the class (art) paint pics of me we all had to have photos taken of us, that was bad enough but she only choose the 'good' photos which three of them involve me so half the class have to do a study on my body!! F***!!! And now walking around in a skimpy dress. Luckily I probably won't have to do it now she has already decided on her mark!

Anyway I feel like shit. And sick and fricken anxious. But who cares??!! Only me...

Sooo...

So I decided not to go to school today either partially because I still feel like throwing up but I think it is just because of anxiety and because my weight is now only 42.5 kg and I feel really dizzy everytime I stand/sit up so I don't think I will do too well at school. Oh well I might go later on today and I will defiantly will be going tomorrow, that is my goal even if I feel like crap I am going to school tomorrow. I am worried that I will have to do my speech tomorrow which evolves standing in front of the class for four minutes while I talk and I am scared that I will pass out or be sick as I am soo weak at the moment and my anxiety is really bad at the moment. So yeah.... I am thinking about for the pizza lunch just saying that I am celica, which I am not I am just intolerant to gluten but eating gluten does make me feel really ill so that might be my excuse not to eat anything. As I am sure they won't buy any gf pizzas! So I think that is what I will do and just eat my normal lunch instead.

Anyway school tomorrow, school tomorrow, school tomorrow !! I will go, I will go I will go!!! I can do it, I will do it.

I am also worried that I will be really far behind on school work as I missed two days this week and will miss three days next week as I will be in Australia, yay I need a break and just leave all my anxiety and eating problems behind.... Hopefully, no I will. Positive thing!!

I still have really bad pains in my stomach but I am trying to ignore them.

Anyway have an awesome day!!!

Feeling little better :)

Hi, I just want to apologies for the last posts being so negative and horrible and I have a feeling there will be more to coming so very sorry in advance :) I am feeling a little better but still feel sick and my stomach is still really sore so I don't think I will be at school tomorrow either :( I hate missing school so so much but honestly I can't help it. Today I didn't really eat anything either and my weight is currently 43.5 :( I lost three kg so peeved oh well. My bmi is now 16.6 which is still really below average, average is 18.5 and for my height I found out to have a healthy bmi of 18.5 I only have to weight 48 kg not 50-52 what is my GP wanting for me an extra 4kg !! Really!?!

On Friday pretty damn sure I will be at school on Friday we have a class pizza lunch yay... :( our prefects are getting us half a pizza each!! I don't think I have ever eaten half a pizza and some guys and girls are paying double to get a whole pizza each!! What! I don't want to go. I know I will be that one girl that can't even manage to eat one-two slices yet alone five slices that make up a half!!and everyone will be there watching us eat and I will be the one trying to hide slices in my bag without anyone noticing so it looks like I ate something... And it's the kind of thing that you can't just not go, everyone in my class plus teacher and two prefects will be there, that's 35 people watching me eat, well and others too... But yeah. Normally at lunch I just keep my lunch box in my bag and eat slowly so it looks like I ate all of my lunch, which I don't. I feel really Worried about eating with my friends around yet alone my whole class. As I know I eat the least. A couple of my friends eat so much and so often there lunch boxes are overflowing as it is a very common site to see them sneaking food in every period, like a cupcake first period, a apple second, a packet of chips third, a sandwich forth etc etc. plus morning tea and lunch!!! And they seem soo skinny, well to me anyway. Oh well they are just being healthy something I need to learn :)

Anyway have an awesome night. Good night dont let the bed bugs bite!! Xoxo

All my good news has turned bad!

Anyway after feeling terrible last night I didn't end up going to ballet, too sick and I ended up throwing up the tiny bit of custard my parents made me eat and they were getting to the point of saying if you don't eat it we will call the ED unit at the hospital and they have done that before so I did eat it but it all came back up. So now my parents believe me that I am sick not just avoiding food and not wanting to go to school. And I was meant to do my speech today but I still feel terrible so I am at home today, so now I am getting more anxiety about doing it because instead of doing them with he rest of my class I will have to do it by myself!! Anyway I manged to drag myself out of bed and got on the scales as I really was getting anxious not knowing how much I lost and it read 42.5 but then went up to 43kg so in three days of kind of being sick I lost all my hard work of putting on 4kg over the past two months! :( ughh I am really upset now. And feel like crap. :( So now I have to work really hard to put it back on because in three weeks, my checked up with my GP she will expect me to be up to 50 as that is almost healthy weight for me ( you could be different healthy for me might be very underweight for you. Everyone is different) and now I am back to 43 so I have three weeks to put on seven kg!! Wish me luck :) oh well..

Hope everyone has a awesome day :) I can promise you it will be better than lying sick in bed feeling like throwing up again :P So stay strong and remember that love wil always be stronger than the pressure to be perfect okay :) xoxo