The cultural festival

The cultural festival was really cool R did really well, as he lead the haka! There were loads of really talented kids,lots of maori culture, Halas and stuff and then there were irish dancers and Indian dance and lots more! I really enjoyed it, there was one bit that almost made me cry though when sumner school did a tribute to two girls that had been killed and said they are doing it for them. I don't know what happened to the girls but I though I'd say I'm sorry to the girls and their families and friends xoxo. I know this kind of will seem bad and very ED of me but most people there made me feel really good about my body as there were some pretty big kids preforming without tops on, the boys that is and the girls wearing tight tops who really shouldn't etc. so that made me feel good! Although there were quite a few way to skinny and tinny little kids about 5-6 but I am sure I was like that to at 5!! But yeah a really good night and I wish. Could go again but it is Rs last yr at primary  and I am already at high school so I won't be able to go again until B grows up but that's still 10 yrs away before he can do it!!

Goodnight! :) xoxo, I will always be here for you, remember that.

Love your body

Love your body, I know it is hard when in recovery and are putting on weight, trust me I know I am still in recovery too :) You might like your body all boney but you will love it even more when you are recovered, your real body! Your true body!! I like mine even more by the day and remember putting on weight is NOT all fat, it is bone and muscle as well!!

Home at last :)

Yay back at home again after the party. I loved the party but I am always so tired afterward and well it's 10:30pm!! Sophie didn't end up coming which is sad but I will give her her present at school on Monday. When everyone arrived we played the chocolate game where you have to roll the dice and when you get a six you have to pit on a scarf, hat, gloves and a mask and cut up the chocolate with a knife and fork and eat as much as you can until the next person rolls a six. Lucky I only rolled a six once and only got,one piece! I was fine about eating the chocolate but felt really dizzy and sick so I suppose that was my body saying don't eat the chocolate! Which is wrong and unhappy that my body still does that! Next we did apple bobbing, well mini chocolate bar bobbing which was interesting and very hard and the water was freezing! We watched the internship after then had tea which was pizza (only had one slice...), hamburger sliders (really tiny hamburgers had 1), garlic bread (had two small bits, would of only had one if I had relised how much butter had been put on them!), these mini hotdog thing with cheese and wrapped in pastry (still hate pastry it is soo gross even the French pastrys and crosants and chocolate ones, I use to like them not I can't stand them, even if I see someone else eating them it just makes me cringe. But that doesn't mean because I don't like them you can't eat them if you like them go for it!!) and mini baked chicken nuggets! All was very nice but now I think of it I probably didn't eat enough for a whole meal... I definitely ate the least there, which I am going to change! How did you go with your 'scary' foods? Well I hope! :) we then watched confishens of a shopaholic which was good and ate cake and lollies. Nne of which was gluten free and my stomach is already beginning to cramp :( it will be worse in the morning, not looking forward to it, regret eating it now, but I couldn't not eat dinner, that would just start me off in my old bad habits again! And I don't want to lose anymore weight!
And that was it with lots of laughing and talking! It was fun but to be honest I am really glad to be back at home in my bed curled up with my cat and fifty something teddybears! Don't ask I know it's babyish but it helps with my anxiety. And anything to help it go away and lessen it is worth it!! And I love them, had them all since I was born! Haha now sounding like I am five! Oh well...

Have a good night, sleep well and get ready for a nice freash start tomorrow!! Xoxo :)

Long day...

Sorry no post in the morning this is why; I woke up at 6 with my alarm but then somehow went back to sleep and woke up again at 7:20 and I had to leave to catch the bus at 7:40!! So I was very rushed and all my anxiety caught up with me and I just burst into tears. I just didn't want to go to school, I knew I would go but it felt like a impossible task at the time. And then to make things worse I went to make my breakfast to find we had no oats left as my brother and mum had finished them that morning, ugh I hate having to change what I eat, I like my schedule. It is oats for breakfast!  So I had a fortisip instead :/ and to make things even worse time to grab my lunch and go and we didn't have any of my crackers or any crackers at all or rice things or roast corn so I had no carbs to pack, only a banana for fruit and biscuits. So that's what I took a banana and two biscuits :( no yogurt either. That one thing I hate about holidays. At lunch I had nothing as I ate my food at morning break so I decided that I wasn't going to be stupid and not eat soi went to the canteen (I hate the canteen soooo much! Anxiety with asking and deciding what to have and I don't know what is in it etc.) I ended up getting a chicken wrap which was okay. It had too much BBQ sauce though. But better than nothing.

I have lots of homework to do and three assignments to do well two really one isn't due until the end of the year but is something like 50 hours worth of work and I am slow so probably more like 80 :/

I'm looking forward to Friday night as my friends invited (first time invited out with my new friends XD!!!) me out to go rockclimbing, only at clip and climb so it will be easy but I haven't been there in about 4 years so it will be really fun to go back :D yay!! It's like I can feel my friends actually care about me and don't just sit with me because they feel sorry for me!! And even better next day day saturday I also got invited to go to my friends joint birthday party!! I feel like I am included with my friends finally!!! I use to feel left out, they also use to go out with me, they would invite everyone but me and these are the first two times I have been asked yayyyy!! So happy all fuzzy feelings inside :) :) !!! No ideas for presents though any ideas for 15yr old girls?? Please comment make my day :)

I will post the pictures later they are just downloading now :)

Hope your day went super well xoxoxoxo!!

Back to normal...

Yay back home again! We had tea at our grans which was roast chicken with veges then a apple and pear crumble for dessert! Yum! I am also happy to say that I have only put on .5kg over these five days yay! Tomorrow I am back to school.. Starting to freak out already... Bad thing I know but I do have an anxiety disorder so I suppose I should of seen all the nausea and nerves coming... I hate it so much and it is so hard to overcome! Its like I recover then fall back into GADs hands again and again. It is hard to over come it, it's a constant struggle. And I hate it I wish I never had anxiety ever! Can't I be normal??! Please for once!?!
If only.

And tomorrow I will have lots of school work to catch up on sigh.. I hate being behind, but I think I am getting use to it now. I miss school when my anxiety gets the better of me or when I feel so depressed I can't do anything or constantrate so there is no point or because I am sick. I get sick soo often it is not funny, I know it is because of my ED I don't eat enough therefore my immune system is very weak along with the rest if me, it's like I have a never ending cold, mixed in with kidney infections etc. along the way.

But tomorrow I will post all my pictures and update my Melbourne posts and add pics to them as well, so something to look forward to, I hope... Let me know :)

Love you guys so much, I feel I get so much support just by so many people reading my blog, thanks :) and I hope you are doing well and recovering super amazingly! ;) I believe in you!! ;D

Wieght gain

Okay so putting on weight is a really hard thing to do. It will take time and you will look different but you won't be fat. You won't be overweight. You will just look healthy like a normal person, really who just want to be skin and bones. You will actually look better and prettier when you can't see all the bones in your arms or every rib. One thing I was terrified of was not being about to see my clavicles (bone by your neck) and my ribs, but you know I have put on 7kg and I can still see them, I still have 5kg to f but I'm not worried any more, not at all! I am liking how my new body looks, yes it is different but a good different.

Start with throwing out all your tenny tiny old clothes, they won't fit you. And they can just be triggering to see them every time you go to get dressed . But think on the bright side, you can go shopping!! Get new clothes that actually fit! And look nice on you!

When I first started putting on weight and still am I get really bloated and all the 'fat' seems to be going to my stomach and legs, but it will even out. It is just going there to cover vital organ and to prepare your body for if it falls into starvation mode again, so it goes to the most important places first, it will spread out and you probably won't see a difference when it does evenly spread, this just takes a couple of months to do. And remember that when you are at a healthy weight you will probably look thinner than when you were still putting on weight as a lot of it will just be water fat or water weight. This happens because your body is not use to getting enough food and just wants to hang onto it for as long as possible, storing it as a liquid. So it will disappear when you are eating regularly.

Something that helps is not to know how much you weigh. You will be putting on weight in recovery but you will not know how much, for all you know you might not be able to see a difference in your body therefore think you are not putting on weight when you are actually putting on X amount each week. This helped me a lot . If I couldnt tell I put on Xkg how could I tell when I put on X more?! I couldnt! Sorry I didn't explain that one very well...

Weight gain is hard to cope with and you will feel like falling back into your old habits. But when you get use to your 'new' body you will love it a lot more. It looks nicer your skin won't be all pale and seethrought ish your hair will be less greasy and have a nice shine to it, and you will have tonnes more energy. You won't miss being cold all the time and not being able to do exercise at all having to sit still and being in a wheelchair. You won't miss that, you will be to busy loving your new body :)

Fight those evil words in your head and concur them! I believe in you!

The girl who fainted..

Today after school as I was walking out to the front gate I passed a girl well about 10m away who was just lying face down on the ground, not moving, I didn't know what to do. A year twelve ran up and turned her over and her lips were blue, eyes rolled back into her head and wasn't breathing. I honestly thought she was dead! A teacher who also just happened to of worked in a ambulance and turned to teaching when he retired ran over and helped and they got her awake again. I also noticed she had self harm scars up her arms, she told the teacher she scraped them on a tree, he believed her but I knew better, I have cut myself before so I know what they look like. Later we found out it was because she hadn't eaten for the whole day, I think it was a lot longer than a day though... She said she didn't eat because she was late in the morning and didn't have time (this is NOT an excuse, you will always have time to eat always!!) and she forgot her lunch. I didn't believe this, I knew she was starving herself. I could tell, I know how she feels, she got away with this one, but the chances if this happened to you, you wouldn't get away with it. She now get teased for fainting and starving herself. You don't want this. You don't want to be the girl with anorexia. You don't want to be called skeleton. You don't want to have an eating disorder. It is unhealthy. Yes I am still recovering and it is hard. It will always be hard, but that's okay. It will get better. Just please don't stop eating. Please!! It's not worth it, it's really not. Next time you think about missing a meal or not eating think of the girl that was almost left to die in the middle of the school quad. Do you really want to be her?
No.
It's hard but will get better, little steps at a time. And tell someone, get help. It may feel like no one cares, but hey I do. I wanted to go help that girl, to talk with her, tell her it's okay. But I couldn't, she got taken away and I don't know her name so I have know idea who she was. But there will always be someone there who wants to help. Like me. I want to help, you can always email me! I won't judge you, I promise :)

How to cope with a buffet

Seeings I will probably be eating a buffet in Australia might as well write a guide to handle one! So here it goes:

1) start with a small salad, just something light or if it's breakfast some fruit or yogurt. Eating something small and light will not fill you up and make your stomach ready to eat something more substantial

2) go around and get samples of everything and anything that sounds or looks nice or Ben something you haven't tried before! This way if you don't like something or it is just too hard to swallow and keep down (that's okay you are still recovering there will be a time when food isn't scary and you can eat everything without counting calories it's okay if it's not right now, you will soon) you don't have to eat the tonnes of it you put on your plate. Hey and don't worry about how much fat or calories are in something it's only one meal, it isnt going to make a difference if you overeat one meal, just like a binge it honestly doesn't change your weight if you overate all the time every meal yes then it would but one meal isnt going to do anything :)

3) go back and get everything that you liked and want more of. It's okay if you don't mow what was in it, treat it like who cares !?! Know one else does!! And it will make you feel better eating new things just like overcoming your fear or doing something scary, you feel great after! And maybe really full..

4) desert!! Go for it! It's hard but you can do it!! Eat all the sweet things you can handle!! Yummm
You won't suddenly put on ten kg! It probably won't make a difference at all and part of recovery is putting on weight, so if you do it is a good thing anyway :)

Go for it and face your fear foods you can do it!!?

Ballet

Off to ballet, See ya later!!

Yep, where that big jumper for as long as I can!! Haha, have to take it off when I go in though... see my problem on why I want to put on weight as I can't get my legs together need more fat on them (well preferably muscle!) yeah that is a big problem, I always get marks taken off me for not having my legs together and when I lift my legs it looks like they are bent :( when they are not! Reason to put on weight!!

No matter how hard i try I cannot make my legs touch and that annoys me and is going to change!!!

Food :)

If food triggers you please don't read this post for your own sake :)

You have to treat yourself once and a while it is okay to have a treat food once or twice a day everyday, trust me I eat tonnes of cookies and hot chocolates and they don't make me put on weight they don't really make any difference at all, these foods all taste good so why not? If you are eating say pancakes covered in butter and ice cream for breakfast, a burger with chips for lunch plus desert and then some other junk food for tea with desert and lollies and snacks maybe not... You would probably put on weight then but a cookie or a slice of cake and dessert is NOT going to make any huge or any difference at all! If it looks good or you are craving it eat it!!

These are some food pictures that look oh so good and might inspire you to make one or go out and buy one!!

Salted caramel brownie triffle. Who doesn't love salted caramel?! Plus brownie and cream!!

Raspberry macaroons Xx

this isn't something personally I would love to eat too many bright colours for me but sure looks really cool!!

Rainbow macaroons yumm xoxo can you tell I love macaroons?

Even fruit can look Super good in a pretty rainbow

Do you know that I have never had a doughnut! well because I am gluten intolerant (not by choice it makes me really sick and was diagnosed by a doctor please don't go gluten free because you can. It is really hard to eat enough carbs and food tastes gross without it!!) 

Chocolate mousse in a chocolate cup with strawberries xoxo

Haha never heard of these until yesterday when my friend showed me a pic, but they look really good. Has anyone had these if you have please leave me a comment on what they are like. I love comments!

And now I  am hungry :)

Quotes

You are perfect and can do anything xoxo I believe in you :)

I personally love quotes not sure about you but I do, they make me happy and remind me even though life is tough it gets better and it always will!! 

I hope these will help make your day, they helped brighten mine so hopefully it will do the same with you! And if today is tough remember tomorrow is a new day a new chance and it will get better! :)

Today

Well so I did end up going to the pizza lunch and I just said gluten made me feel sick and I couldn't really eat more than one piece, which is almost true but I could of managed about four :P so I ended up eating one piece, choose the tiniest by far as I felt it would be rude not to eat anything after our prefects put quite a bit of effort into it. So I was happy and ate my tiny piece then settled for my two mandarins I had packed for my lunch, but then after my friends and a few boys realized how little I ate and there was one piece left I had most of the class chanting for me to eat it, so well I was filled with anxiety because so many people had there attention on me (that is the worst thing ever to happen to me, pretty much all my anxiety evolves people looking at me) so I took the piece and they all went away. But I knew I didn't want it I felt sick holding, not from gluten and after one bite I felt like throwing up, I didn't and wouldn't but felt it. For the whole lunch I just picked at it slowly all the grease and pineapple (hate cooked pineapple hate it) and oil ewww I ate it all but admit it was an effort. A big effort. Oh well I do need to put on weight, and there is nothing wrong with pizza at all pizzas good just not when you can see the oil and fat on top and drips off when you hold it... Ewww.

I would also just like to say sorry I know there hasn't been many photos at all lately but during the week my mum works at home to look after my brother and has all her work files up and documents open on the computer so week days the computer is out of bounds so I can't upload any and my iPad that I write my posts on doesn't let me put photos on so sorry mon-fri no pics but weekends I will go crazy !!

Bacon and pasta for tea was nice, a comfort with veges of corse! I made a chocolate self saucing pudding for dessert but after I made it I couldn't eat it, just lost all intrest in it couldn't put it in my mouth, I have know idea why but everyone else ate it and said it was good, so that's nice.

Anyway craving fruit salad at the moment, yes in bed so you can expect that for breakfast, haha. Hopefully with crêpes! If I can be bothered making them... :)

Good night :)

Well...

Off to school tomorrow. Yay kinda super anxious and speech dun dun dun. I will be fine. I just had to have a talk wit my parents they sat me down as was all like what has caused your anxiety? We can tell you are very depressed and anxious and we are going to start you doing lots of exercise to help, haha have they completely forgotten that I have to gain weight not lose it!! Oh well yay exercise I guess!! They also want me to start seeing my conceller/physicologst again I will call her M on this :) they said I keep falling back into my old ways... if only, pretty sure it's worse not so much the anxiety still back to stage one but not worse as far as eating and depression go well... if only they knew hw much I weigh at the moment,they still think I weigh 46 when I really weigh 42. And if they saw my new cuts done this afternoon on my ankle well that would have me in a mental hospital in ten minutes, so for now long socks! I don't even know wha happened I was practicing my speech and every time I messed up I cut myself with the siccors...I don't really feel guilty about it, it helped my frustration and depression drain away as this was soon after my mum yelled at me and I was still very upset. Good thing now is that because it hurt like hell I now know my speech off by heart :P  the only good thing, I am nt oing to do it aim very stupid!! Please don't do it it's not worth it please if you don't do it for yourself at least stop for your friends and family! Anyway not doing it again, I was very dumb and did it above my ankle above where my longest PE socks go. We have to where ankle socks for PE no exception if you forget your PE socks you have to go bare feet and my ankle socks don't cover my cuts and no jelewery so no anklets and a plaster isn't big enough I would need like five or six and it is obvious that isnt from my cat or a thorn bush etc it is really clear that it is a cut...from me... And make up doesnt work I've tried. So if any of you have tips please comment or email me ASAP ! Please I have PE first period tomorrow and really don't want everyone seeing, Ahh!! So don't be like me recover it's worth it!! Today was like my relaspe for andiety ED and depression all in one day...

Anyways see ya later!! Be warned anxious post in the morning garenteed :/

Upset

Well I went out and ate lunch by myself  and my mum came out and asked me how I was I said fine but my stomach still hurts and it s worse after eating aka now.she then just started yelling at me a saying it's just anxiety get over it and do your exercises or I am calling your phycologist or however  you spell t and I got really upset and burst into tears. She then got angrier at me for crying and was all like its all in your head get over it work through your plan you made for times like this. I don't have a plan WTF??! Like I am not nervous enough feeling like this knowing that it might be anxiety but I don't know how to deal with it and school catching up on work same with ballet and f*** speech!!! And pizza on fri!! I hate my life I just want it to end know one understands. They think I can just snap out of it I can't!! And this morning I got a text from a girl in my textiles group and she was all like where the F. are you!! Our teacher is sooo mad at us and you because you aren't here to mode and we at NOT doing it for you, it is your job! We are in so much crap and it is all your fault!! Well thanks F you! You don't know what my life is like already and it is not my fault I am sick and you have done nothing I made this whole thing and I took it home hand sewed a whole skirt for this just for you two to be bitchs and not where it so now w frickenbfailed the whole assement because you didn't want to wear it! I know you don't care what class you get into next year for NCEA but I was on track for the extension class but one fail could change all of that thanks!! Uugghh I hate my life!!! F*** them!! I will talk to my teacher but she seems to hate me so not likely she will change her mind! I feel like telling them how much stress and anxiety and depression and my ED  is putting on me at the moment but they won't change their mind! They won't give a shit about me. And are you really making a girl with anorexia walk around in a singlet a tight short skirt! Like I don't feel sick enough having the class (art) paint pics of me we all had to have photos taken of us, that was bad enough but she only choose the 'good' photos which three of them involve me so half the class have to do a study on my body!! F***!!! And now walking around in a skimpy dress. Luckily I probably won't have to do it now she has already decided on her mark!

Anyway I feel like shit. And sick and fricken anxious. But who cares??!! Only me...

Feeling little better :)

Hi, I just want to apologies for the last posts being so negative and horrible and I have a feeling there will be more to coming so very sorry in advance :) I am feeling a little better but still feel sick and my stomach is still really sore so I don't think I will be at school tomorrow either :( I hate missing school so so much but honestly I can't help it. Today I didn't really eat anything either and my weight is currently 43.5 :( I lost three kg so peeved oh well. My bmi is now 16.6 which is still really below average, average is 18.5 and for my height I found out to have a healthy bmi of 18.5 I only have to weight 48 kg not 50-52 what is my GP wanting for me an extra 4kg !! Really!?!

On Friday pretty damn sure I will be at school on Friday we have a class pizza lunch yay... :( our prefects are getting us half a pizza each!! I don't think I have ever eaten half a pizza and some guys and girls are paying double to get a whole pizza each!! What! I don't want to go. I know I will be that one girl that can't even manage to eat one-two slices yet alone five slices that make up a half!!and everyone will be there watching us eat and I will be the one trying to hide slices in my bag without anyone noticing so it looks like I ate something... And it's the kind of thing that you can't just not go, everyone in my class plus teacher and two prefects will be there, that's 35 people watching me eat, well and others too... But yeah. Normally at lunch I just keep my lunch box in my bag and eat slowly so it looks like I ate all of my lunch, which I don't. I feel really Worried about eating with my friends around yet alone my whole class. As I know I eat the least. A couple of my friends eat so much and so often there lunch boxes are overflowing as it is a very common site to see them sneaking food in every period, like a cupcake first period, a apple second, a packet of chips third, a sandwich forth etc etc. plus morning tea and lunch!!! And they seem soo skinny, well to me anyway. Oh well they are just being healthy something I need to learn :)

Anyway have an awesome night. Good night dont let the bed bugs bite!! Xoxo

All my good news has turned bad!

Anyway after feeling terrible last night I didn't end up going to ballet, too sick and I ended up throwing up the tiny bit of custard my parents made me eat and they were getting to the point of saying if you don't eat it we will call the ED unit at the hospital and they have done that before so I did eat it but it all came back up. So now my parents believe me that I am sick not just avoiding food and not wanting to go to school. And I was meant to do my speech today but I still feel terrible so I am at home today, so now I am getting more anxiety about doing it because instead of doing them with he rest of my class I will have to do it by myself!! Anyway I manged to drag myself out of bed and got on the scales as I really was getting anxious not knowing how much I lost and it read 42.5 but then went up to 43kg so in three days of kind of being sick I lost all my hard work of putting on 4kg over the past two months! :( ughh I am really upset now. And feel like crap. :( So now I have to work really hard to put it back on because in three weeks, my checked up with my GP she will expect me to be up to 50 as that is almost healthy weight for me ( you could be different healthy for me might be very underweight for you. Everyone is different) and now I am back to 43 so I have three weeks to put on seven kg!! Wish me luck :) oh well..

Hope everyone has a awesome day :) I can promise you it will be better than lying sick in bed feeling like throwing up again :P So stay strong and remember that love wil always be stronger than the pressure to be perfect okay :) xoxo

My day :(

Well I tried positive but it s failing, I only ate some celery and five crackers for morning tea and I didn't eat lunch because my stomach hurts so much and I feel sick and have a headache and I really just feel terrible. The only thing I have done after school for the last two hours is curl up on my bed cry and try to force myself to eat a little of my lunch. I have managed to eat a muslie bar, but that's it. If I didn't have ballet tonight I doubt I would of even ate that. F*** I feel terrible!! And now made myself cry again!! Ugh and I am so fricken nervous about tomorrow as I have to do my speaking test in front of the whole class and my speech!! I haven't practiced either as well all I have done is cry and feel really crap after school as that is when I was planning to practice and I know I have to go to ballet in a hour and honestly right now the last thing I want to do is get into a tight leotard in front of 15 people plus teacher and hav them watch me dance or dance at all!! And for the last half hour or so I have somehow been scratching my leg with my bobby pin and now I have a big bruise on my leg and what is really pissing me off is that I never self harm and I just did it without realizing ! ***** !!
And I am dreading the scales soo much, not eating in two days is sure to do something and I don't want to lose weight I really don't!! And my mum weighs me once a week that happens to be Monday's so I don't know what to do !! Help...

Sorry :) but I had to get it out, sorry.
Anyway I hope your day was heaps better than mine :) stay strong xoxo!!

What is wrong with me!

I feel like I can't eat anything we got this amazing dinner and I only ate a tiny bit usually I eat tonnes of it because it tastes sooo good but it's like I always start with a little then go back for more so if I feel I really can't eat like today it still looks like I finished a whole plate. To be honest I think I ate about a slightly heaped side plate size which is about a starter size, tiny, and I couldn't finish my breakfast and now that I think of it I didn't eat lunch... Or snacks...It's like I want to eat but as soon as I put it in my mouth it's like no! My body doesn't want it and it is a struggle to swallow it and then I get a wave of nausea over me and it feels like my body can't physically eat it even if I want to! I even got myself of ice cream and I love icecream but the same thing happened. What is wrong with me!! I feel like bursting into tears! I know that I should drink a fortisip as I haven't had any today (meant to have three but normally only have them when I can't eat) but I can't stand even looking at them at the moment, I have chills thinking about them now damn the taste terrible !! So now I feel sick and have a headache and am very tired all probably from not eating enough...oh and now I feel anxious about school tomorrow as I kinda eat less at school anyway so I am scared that tommorrow I won't eat at all! It has happened many a time before I won't think about it at the time but when I look back at what I have eaten I will be shocked, like today. I have a bad feeling about tomorrow because if I still feel even at little like this I know already that I will have my fortisip in the morning nothing at school at all, nothing after school then go to ballet come back (the rest of my family eat while I am out so no one watches me eat) and depending how I feel might just put it down the drain or eat it I don't know. Uhh why me, its eating me alive the guilt!!:( Anyway I don't know how I will feel tomorrow, I might feel completely different never know just have to stay positive!! :)

It's funny how yesterday I loved my body, don't get me wrong I still do today :) but yesterday I felt very happy and positive and today is just the opposite.. Oh well we all have bad days, and I lost a kg... **** me! I want to put on weight!! I really do!!! Anyway stay positive, I need to remember that right now. Xoxo :)

I am really upset with myself for not eating, just feel like curling up and crying, regretting it so much now, so keep eating all you guys out there if I can't do it today you can do it for me please :) haha I believe in you guys, I have my bad days (today) but it gets better okay :)

Love ya good night xoxo

Today I feel good about my body!!

I really love my body today I love how it looks nothing looks out of proportion I look thin I don't feel fat and I know that I weigh 46kg !! Its great!! Loving it! Tomorrow could be completely different so I am the most of it :) I am not scared to put on my last 4kg, I will just look more healthy. When I weighed 38-42 I was scared that I wouldn't be able to see my ribs or my spine or have a thigh gap any more but you know I have put on 8kg and I really can't see any difference except my hair is smoother and shines more I can finally grow my nails are they use to get a little long bt would be so weak they just snap and my skin looks nicer it isn't that kind of dull pale see through look to it any more and I can still see my rib and spine and I am almost at a healthy weight again!! I was scared I would look fat but you know if I can't tell 8kg I'm not going to be able to tell 4kg! And you feel better not sick and stronger too part of the reason is when you put on weight after not eating you are growing muscle as well not just putting on fat! So don't think all this weight you are putting on is going strait to your tummy or bum or thighs it honestly doesn't !! You will love it recovery is worth it I promise I still have my bad days where I want to give up but you have to make the most out of the good ones xoxo. You can do it and you will feel oh so good when you have :)

And if anyone wants to email me privately you can on teddybear3584637@gmail.com   I know cheesy but this email is only for my blog and helping you!! So don't be afraid to ask, I love helping people oh soo much!! It can be anonymous a fake name honestly I dont care!! Any questions feel more than happy to email me xoxo. I know lots of you live overseas so if I don't reply quickly sorry I probably will be asleep or just really busy haha but I will answer!! And I wont judge you for anything  I know how it feels to be judged and it is not nice. So yeah :)

Anyway good night xoxo :)

Reminder you are perfect xoxo

Quotes to inspire you and remind you that it is hard but it does get better and stay positive, well give it a bloodly good go anyway show that you can face your fear and overcome any illness or thing :) xoxo <3

 I love Demi she is such a good role model for girls that have/are going through what she has and supports and is proof for teenagers everywhere that even though things can get tough it does get better!!