Love your body

Love your body, I know it is hard when in recovery and are putting on weight, trust me I know I am still in recovery too :) You might like your body all boney but you will love it even more when you are recovered, your real body! Your true body!! I like mine even more by the day and remember putting on weight is NOT all fat, it is bone and muscle as well!!

Long day...

Sorry no post in the morning this is why; I woke up at 6 with my alarm but then somehow went back to sleep and woke up again at 7:20 and I had to leave to catch the bus at 7:40!! So I was very rushed and all my anxiety caught up with me and I just burst into tears. I just didn't want to go to school, I knew I would go but it felt like a impossible task at the time. And then to make things worse I went to make my breakfast to find we had no oats left as my brother and mum had finished them that morning, ugh I hate having to change what I eat, I like my schedule. It is oats for breakfast!  So I had a fortisip instead :/ and to make things even worse time to grab my lunch and go and we didn't have any of my crackers or any crackers at all or rice things or roast corn so I had no carbs to pack, only a banana for fruit and biscuits. So that's what I took a banana and two biscuits :( no yogurt either. That one thing I hate about holidays. At lunch I had nothing as I ate my food at morning break so I decided that I wasn't going to be stupid and not eat soi went to the canteen (I hate the canteen soooo much! Anxiety with asking and deciding what to have and I don't know what is in it etc.) I ended up getting a chicken wrap which was okay. It had too much BBQ sauce though. But better than nothing.

I have lots of homework to do and three assignments to do well two really one isn't due until the end of the year but is something like 50 hours worth of work and I am slow so probably more like 80 :/

I'm looking forward to Friday night as my friends invited (first time invited out with my new friends XD!!!) me out to go rockclimbing, only at clip and climb so it will be easy but I haven't been there in about 4 years so it will be really fun to go back :D yay!! It's like I can feel my friends actually care about me and don't just sit with me because they feel sorry for me!! And even better next day day saturday I also got invited to go to my friends joint birthday party!! I feel like I am included with my friends finally!!! I use to feel left out, they also use to go out with me, they would invite everyone but me and these are the first two times I have been asked yayyyy!! So happy all fuzzy feelings inside :) :) !!! No ideas for presents though any ideas for 15yr old girls?? Please comment make my day :)

I will post the pictures later they are just downloading now :)

Hope your day went super well xoxoxoxo!!

Quotes

When I was having a really hard time with anxiety I would tend to be inspired by quotes from people I love and look up to like J.K. Rowling (Harry potter) and Veronica Roth (divergent) and they would help to make me feel happy and calm again, here are some of my fav that will hopefully inspire you as well!!

Also by JK Rowling 

What I did is that I got my favorite quotes and wrote them all over my window (you can use whiteboard marker on windows, it just rubs off) and wrote/painted them on pretty paper and now have them all over my room so everywhere I look I can be happy. Why don't you give it a try as well? It helps me so maybe it will help you too :) 

Wieght gain

Okay so putting on weight is a really hard thing to do. It will take time and you will look different but you won't be fat. You won't be overweight. You will just look healthy like a normal person, really who just want to be skin and bones. You will actually look better and prettier when you can't see all the bones in your arms or every rib. One thing I was terrified of was not being about to see my clavicles (bone by your neck) and my ribs, but you know I have put on 7kg and I can still see them, I still have 5kg to f but I'm not worried any more, not at all! I am liking how my new body looks, yes it is different but a good different.

Start with throwing out all your tenny tiny old clothes, they won't fit you. And they can just be triggering to see them every time you go to get dressed . But think on the bright side, you can go shopping!! Get new clothes that actually fit! And look nice on you!

When I first started putting on weight and still am I get really bloated and all the 'fat' seems to be going to my stomach and legs, but it will even out. It is just going there to cover vital organ and to prepare your body for if it falls into starvation mode again, so it goes to the most important places first, it will spread out and you probably won't see a difference when it does evenly spread, this just takes a couple of months to do. And remember that when you are at a healthy weight you will probably look thinner than when you were still putting on weight as a lot of it will just be water fat or water weight. This happens because your body is not use to getting enough food and just wants to hang onto it for as long as possible, storing it as a liquid. So it will disappear when you are eating regularly.

Something that helps is not to know how much you weigh. You will be putting on weight in recovery but you will not know how much, for all you know you might not be able to see a difference in your body therefore think you are not putting on weight when you are actually putting on X amount each week. This helped me a lot . If I couldnt tell I put on Xkg how could I tell when I put on X more?! I couldnt! Sorry I didn't explain that one very well...

Weight gain is hard to cope with and you will feel like falling back into your old habits. But when you get use to your 'new' body you will love it a lot more. It looks nicer your skin won't be all pale and seethrought ish your hair will be less greasy and have a nice shine to it, and you will have tonnes more energy. You won't miss being cold all the time and not being able to do exercise at all having to sit still and being in a wheelchair. You won't miss that, you will be to busy loving your new body :)

Fight those evil words in your head and concur them! I believe in you!

Well

Well today didn't go to plan my friend was running late and said oh I'll only be 5min again and again over and over again until it got to 8:40 and school started at 9 so I just left without her and ran to school with my big heavy bag in 20 minutes which when normally takes me an hour to walk and got to class just on time our teacher is always late so I wasn't! Then I had to model my costume and had to wear it for the whole hour as I wasn't allowed to go to the changing rooms and I was NOT taking off my top to stand there in my bra while there were windows everywhere and boys in the room... And I didn't want everyone to see how thin I was, I am ashamed enough. Then at our breaks my friends kind of ignored me, like I came over a said hi as I sat down and they kept talking and didn't even relise I was there and my best friend M has found a love in anime so now she just talks about it all the time with A who I am pretty sure dislikes me very much right from the start and so it's almost like I lost her cause every time I try to talk to A or to M when A is around she just looks at me and stops talking. Oh well, it can't be too bad sitting alone at lunch, can it?? And then when I got home everyone was out so I made a nice big smoothie just with yogurt, milk and this strawberry syrup thing we had in the cupboard it was really nice and filled me up. I had just finished when my mum came home and said we were going over to her friends for afternoon tea, even though I just ate mine!! And when we got there she had set up little plates for all of us with a cupcake chips a piece of brownie and a glass of fizzy, then a fruit platter in the middle and I kind of had to eat at least the stuff that was on my plate so now I am extra stuffed and feel sick. Then my little brother almost 2 was on the trampoline and fell and landed on the bar and slit his lip even though I had said to J to watch him so it didn't happen oh yeah yeah got it she said but it still happened and I feel like it was my fault, the guilt! And then when we were getting into the car a big gust of wind came and slammed the door shut in my head so now I feel sick and have a massive headache and in a hour I have to go to ballet!! I just feel like crying!! Oh well.

Some days you just have very bad luck..but you just have to stay positive! I hope your day went well :)

Quotes

You are perfect and can do anything xoxo I believe in you :)

I personally love quotes not sure about you but I do, they make me happy and remind me even though life is tough it gets better and it always will!! 

I hope these will help make your day, they helped brighten mine so hopefully it will do the same with you! And if today is tough remember tomorrow is a new day a new chance and it will get better! :)

Well...

Off to school tomorrow. Yay kinda super anxious and speech dun dun dun. I will be fine. I just had to have a talk wit my parents they sat me down as was all like what has caused your anxiety? We can tell you are very depressed and anxious and we are going to start you doing lots of exercise to help, haha have they completely forgotten that I have to gain weight not lose it!! Oh well yay exercise I guess!! They also want me to start seeing my conceller/physicologst again I will call her M on this :) they said I keep falling back into my old ways... if only, pretty sure it's worse not so much the anxiety still back to stage one but not worse as far as eating and depression go well... if only they knew hw much I weigh at the moment,they still think I weigh 46 when I really weigh 42. And if they saw my new cuts done this afternoon on my ankle well that would have me in a mental hospital in ten minutes, so for now long socks! I don't even know wha happened I was practicing my speech and every time I messed up I cut myself with the siccors...I don't really feel guilty about it, it helped my frustration and depression drain away as this was soon after my mum yelled at me and I was still very upset. Good thing now is that because it hurt like hell I now know my speech off by heart :P  the only good thing, I am nt oing to do it aim very stupid!! Please don't do it it's not worth it please if you don't do it for yourself at least stop for your friends and family! Anyway not doing it again, I was very dumb and did it above my ankle above where my longest PE socks go. We have to where ankle socks for PE no exception if you forget your PE socks you have to go bare feet and my ankle socks don't cover my cuts and no jelewery so no anklets and a plaster isn't big enough I would need like five or six and it is obvious that isnt from my cat or a thorn bush etc it is really clear that it is a cut...from me... And make up doesnt work I've tried. So if any of you have tips please comment or email me ASAP ! Please I have PE first period tomorrow and really don't want everyone seeing, Ahh!! So don't be like me recover it's worth it!! Today was like my relaspe for andiety ED and depression all in one day...

Anyways see ya later!! Be warned anxious post in the morning garenteed :/

Upset

Well I went out and ate lunch by myself  and my mum came out and asked me how I was I said fine but my stomach still hurts and it s worse after eating aka now.she then just started yelling at me a saying it's just anxiety get over it and do your exercises or I am calling your phycologist or however  you spell t and I got really upset and burst into tears. She then got angrier at me for crying and was all like its all in your head get over it work through your plan you made for times like this. I don't have a plan WTF??! Like I am not nervous enough feeling like this knowing that it might be anxiety but I don't know how to deal with it and school catching up on work same with ballet and f*** speech!!! And pizza on fri!! I hate my life I just want it to end know one understands. They think I can just snap out of it I can't!! And this morning I got a text from a girl in my textiles group and she was all like where the F. are you!! Our teacher is sooo mad at us and you because you aren't here to mode and we at NOT doing it for you, it is your job! We are in so much crap and it is all your fault!! Well thanks F you! You don't know what my life is like already and it is not my fault I am sick and you have done nothing I made this whole thing and I took it home hand sewed a whole skirt for this just for you two to be bitchs and not where it so now w frickenbfailed the whole assement because you didn't want to wear it! I know you don't care what class you get into next year for NCEA but I was on track for the extension class but one fail could change all of that thanks!! Uugghh I hate my life!!! F*** them!! I will talk to my teacher but she seems to hate me so not likely she will change her mind! I feel like telling them how much stress and anxiety and depression and my ED  is putting on me at the moment but they won't change their mind! They won't give a shit about me. And are you really making a girl with anorexia walk around in a singlet a tight short skirt! Like I don't feel sick enough having the class (art) paint pics of me we all had to have photos taken of us, that was bad enough but she only choose the 'good' photos which three of them involve me so half the class have to do a study on my body!! F***!!! And now walking around in a skimpy dress. Luckily I probably won't have to do it now she has already decided on her mark!

Anyway I feel like shit. And sick and fricken anxious. But who cares??!! Only me...

My day :(

Well I tried positive but it s failing, I only ate some celery and five crackers for morning tea and I didn't eat lunch because my stomach hurts so much and I feel sick and have a headache and I really just feel terrible. The only thing I have done after school for the last two hours is curl up on my bed cry and try to force myself to eat a little of my lunch. I have managed to eat a muslie bar, but that's it. If I didn't have ballet tonight I doubt I would of even ate that. F*** I feel terrible!! And now made myself cry again!! Ugh and I am so fricken nervous about tomorrow as I have to do my speaking test in front of the whole class and my speech!! I haven't practiced either as well all I have done is cry and feel really crap after school as that is when I was planning to practice and I know I have to go to ballet in a hour and honestly right now the last thing I want to do is get into a tight leotard in front of 15 people plus teacher and hav them watch me dance or dance at all!! And for the last half hour or so I have somehow been scratching my leg with my bobby pin and now I have a big bruise on my leg and what is really pissing me off is that I never self harm and I just did it without realizing ! ***** !!
And I am dreading the scales soo much, not eating in two days is sure to do something and I don't want to lose weight I really don't!! And my mum weighs me once a week that happens to be Monday's so I don't know what to do !! Help...

Sorry :) but I had to get it out, sorry.
Anyway I hope your day was heaps better than mine :) stay strong xoxo!!

Reminder you are perfect xoxo

Quotes to inspire you and remind you that it is hard but it does get better and stay positive, well give it a bloodly good go anyway show that you can face your fear and overcome any illness or thing :) xoxo <3

 I love Demi she is such a good role model for girls that have/are going through what she has and supports and is proof for teenagers everywhere that even though things can get tough it does get better!!

Helping someone with depression

I know it is hard when one of your friends or family get depressed, I had NO idea what to do when my friend started cutting and her parents didn't know do I tell them do I not.. Well it turns out one of her other friends told her instead so I didn't need to make that decision but do tell a trusted adult it is the right thing to do.

What to do:
>>Relise that depression is a serious illness, don't joke about it or expect them to just snap out of it
>>Don't take it personally depression makes it difficult for the person to communicate when others and can say things they really don't mean even to loved ones
>>Hiding the problem won't make it go away, don't cover up the problem or lie for a friend who is depressed they need help. Doing this may stop the person from getting treatment
>> Talk to them tell them that you are worried about them and want to help

What you can say that helps:
>>I know it is hard but they way you are feeling will change
>>You are not alone I am here for you
>>When you feel you want to give up just tell yourself to hold on for that extra day, minute or hour whatever you can manage
>> You are important to me. Your life is important to me
>>Tell me what I can do to help you
>> I may not fully understand how you are feeling, But I care about you and want to help
They may just brush these off or disagree with you but stay positive, they may even say something that upsets or hurts you but just ignore it don't take it the wrong way in a way they can't help it, it is just the depression talking. They may be angry t you for telling someone they need help or for you wanting to help but when they are recovered and healthy trust me they will thank you for it.

What NOT to say:
>>It's all in your head
>>We all go through times like this
>> Look on the bright side
>>You have so much to live for why would you want to die?
>>I can't do anything to help
>>Just get over it
>> Just snap out of it
>> What's wrong with you?
>> Shouldn't you be better by now?
Avoid saying any of these or anything along the lines of these as they just make the situation a whole lot worse, they won't want your help and won't trust you 

It is hard but it will always get better :)

Sources : http://www.helpguide.org/mental/living_depressed_person.htm
               www.lifewithoutanorexia.com/  - this is my al time fav blog she is soo inspirational

Me

Hi I am Livvy. I am in my mid teens and live in beautiful New Zealand. I would like to consider myself as a happy normal teenager with no problems what so ever but my life just isn't that...I have genralized anxiety disorder (GAD), mild depression, and a eating disorder...well kind of its a long story... I was in hospital for a week with a kidney infection :( and couldn't eat anything, I lost a LOT of weight, I weighed only 38kg. I saw the deititon there and she really wasn't happy with me, because even before I had lost weight I still only weighed 43 as my heaviest which is 7kg under what I should weigh at my height of 160 cm. She asked me lots of questions about what I ate and it turned out I was eating the amount a 6yr old should... I honestly didn't know! Anyway as I had been eating like this since I was about 12 my stomach had shrunk lots so I couldn't eat a normal emount of food. Then my anxiety got to me about putting on weight so I stopped having my supplements and all the weight I would put on I couldn't keep on so yeah.you get the basics. So I am struggling with food at the moment in recovery, I hope..

My anxiety was really bad at the start of the year, I missed over 4 weeks of school in total because I was making up excuses not to go to school, was so nervous my mum took pity on me or that my anxiety got to the point where I convinced myself that it wasn't anxiety and I was actually sick. For 3 weeks I was so anxious I was throwing up every morning before school, I spent most of my day in the councellers office, I couldn't concentrate in class at all I learnt nothing I was either trying not to throw up again, burst into tears, calming myself down..well trying to, and there was so my thoughts about bad things happening I just was beside myself. Know one really knows how it feels to have an anxiety dissorder unless you have had one. For those of you who don't know it terrible you feel like being sick, are sick, can't breathe, heart pounds, headaches almost as bad as migraines, you get all sweaty haha, and much much more. They were just the basics too each person has their own symptoms. Personly I lose my appetite which also kind of helped we devlopeave my ED as you can imagine .

My depression isn't that bad. It isn't diagnosed or anything, but I do know what it feels like to want to end your life. I get it with my anxiety and ED it is kinda like a side effect if you think of it that way. I have had some times where I just cry and cry, can't do anything so upset so depressed times. If I wasn't terrified of blood I think I would of cut myself heaps by now, I have got a knife out before couldn't do it but did and thought long and hard of ways of ending my life(blood makes me faint even if it's just a tiny bit..haha:) ) and have tried to strangle myself with my scarf as well.. But that was a long time ago now. I LOVE MYSELF !! And am trying so so so hard to be positive :) and have been for at least 2 months now :) some days are still really hard though.

Days can be tough, I have my bad days, the days were I still have the odd anxiety attack. But can I say to all of you out there things do get better I promise :) If I can do it you defiantly can too!!

Love yourself love everyone and everything

And my fab quote that helped me with my ED and anxiety :
Love is greater than the pressure to be perfect :) xoxo